Lois: Are you and Glenn thinking about children?
Charmese: Unfortunately, I can't have children.
Lois: Oh. Menopause?
Charmese: No, I got knifed in the vagina one Christmas.
Brian: Oh, the holidays are always stressful.

Brian: I just wish I could have had five years to be good.
Stewie: There's your voice, Brian. It's a depressing voice, but it's yours. Write from that.

Brian: Wow, this is amazing, every major playwright is here.
Stewie: Yes, and it seems to be quite the successful party. Several of them have already committed suicide.

Brian: Stewie, don't you think you're overdoing it with that outfit?
Stewie: I don't wear anything I can't take off with a flourish.

Brian: I think, I think we're launching!
Lois: Oh my god, everyone strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand.
Stewie: No thanks, I prefer to die giving you the finger.
Peter: If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Brian: (as Robbie) I think I might hang out in the town square. I hear an oracle from Greece is sending a funny message and I wanna be there when it arrives.
Messenger: (running in and gasping for air) Penis.
Brian: Heh.

Peter: (as Joseph) Oh my God, look at that body. Can't you just imagine her standing on people's front lawns inside a cut-in-half bathtub?
Brian: (as Robbie) You should go talk to her and see if she can talk.

Meg: I can only imaging what it was like for them on that very first Christmas.
Brian: Yeah, it was probably very moving. And fictional.
Stewie: Jesus lived with us for like a week, what else do you need?

Meg: Oh my god that's so disturbing.
Chris: I know, gross!
Brian: Yeah, my hearing's a lot better so I hear like, suction and stuff.

Brian: And somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.
Meg: People are going to miss me when I [long burp].

Brian: Alright, very funny, Stewie. You replaced my Jack Daniel's with flat Diet Coke.
Stewie: No I didn't! And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk?

Stewie: Ah, look at this, she's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover, as if she's some sort of hip hybrid of those two things.
Brian: Yeah, like she could ever write "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
Stewie: "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" was not written by Virginia Woolf.
Brian: Yeah, obviously, but y'know, it's pretty much about her.
Stewie: It really isn't, Brian.

Family Guy Quotes

(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)

No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do?

Stewie