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Family-guy

Stewie: "Brian, is this our vacation?"
Brian: "Yea."
Stewie: "Oh...are we trash?"
Brian: "Kinda."

Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes.

Brian: Stewie, what the hell happened?
Stewie: Oh well, shortly after you left, da Vinci's girlfriend showed up. So I injected her with my DNA.
Brian: You had sex?
Stewie: No, I put my DNA inside of her.
Brian: Right, you had sex.
Stewie: No, what are you not getting? I put a sample of my DNa in a syringe and I injected her on the staircase, on the couch, and on the balcony.

Brian: Stewie! Stewie! Are you ok?
Stewie: (falsetto) You gotta kiss him to wake him up.
Brian: I'm not going to kiss you!
Stewie: Stewie can't hear you. He's not awake. Only a kiss will wake him up!
Brian: Well, I better get Meg.
Stewie: Oh, oh where am I?

Brian: Oh my god!
Priest: Ahem, a tip is customary.

Brian: So that means you're Italian.
Stewie: Of course! My love for spaghetti-o's and smoking on the toilet! It all makes sense!
Brian: Ew.

Stewie: Well, I'm off to the farmer's market. I've got to pick up some plutonium for a return pad, in case I decide to make another universe later.
Brian: Plutonium? At the farmer's market?
Stewie: Yep, I'm only using organic plutonium now. Think locally; buy organically.
Stewie: Hey slut, get me out of this.

Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagleczech?

Brian: So how did you two meet?
Jillian: Quagmire showed up at my door and said he was the federal boob inspector! And I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant!
Quagmire: It was a snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

You just think you know everything don't you? You're just like a black woman in hindsight.

Call me the "Paw." That's what I go by now.

Brian: Good morning everyone!
Lois: Ah crap, he's in love again.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 324 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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