Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Stewie: UGH!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago. Now you're just on vacation

Policeman: You were going sixty-five fella, that's ten miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: We met on the internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
Brian: Officer, you ever hear of that super-industrial adhesive?
[The policeman turns to show another policeman stuck on his back]
Second Policeman: Actually, yes, we have

Brian: The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes two weeks for delivery.
Stewie: You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?
Brian: You can not tell Lois about this.
Stewie: Oh, and what if I do?
Brian: I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress.
Stewie: You said there was no film in that camera!

Lois: Hey Brian... you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian: Same thing that always happens, she was an idiot

Pearl: What is this, spit soup?
Brian: Tomato bisque.
Pearl: What is this, snot soup?
Brian: Tomato bisque.
Pearl: What is this, diarrhea soup?

Peter: Ahh crap, since when did they change the meaning of for to from?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card but it said for Peter on it, so you must have thought it was from you so you didn't uh.... you know it's just easier to call you stupid

Peter: What the hell did you do?
Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian: Well, y'know, it's a little warm in here...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian: It doesn't get much gayer than this

Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Brian: "The Diary of Nate Griffin." May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her.
Peter: Hehehehehehe!
Brian: Oh, uh, that laugh's in here, too, see? "Hehehehehehehe..."

Hotel Manager: And this is the bathroom, but watch out we got some bad roaches here.
Red Roach: Hey, you're on our turf man!
Green Roach: Hey mana, I'll cut you, I'll cut you up so bad you, you gonna wish I no cut you so bad!
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Hotel Manager: I blame the schools

Peter: Your honor, Brian'll be a great dad. Hell, if I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice-cream is...
Brian: Chocolate Chip.
Peter... and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Good Night Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is...
Brian: Stan Thompson

Displaying quotes 265 - 276 of 328 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley