Brian: You are really pretty
Girl at Bar: Thanks
Brian: You know, uh, I wrote a book
Girl at Bar: What's that?
Brian: It's like a long magazine
Girl at Bar: Huh?
Brian: It's like the Internet made out of a tree
Girl at Bar: Oh, weird. You want to have sex in the bathroom?
Brian: Oh gosh, what a treat, yes I would like that

Lois: My God I can't even react big enough. Here's Mrs. Garret
Mrs. Garret: Whaaat!?
Brian: If my happiness means so little to you that you have Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack a joke then you disappoint me

Brian [about Rita]: Well you met her, what did you think?
Lois: What do I think? She's a 100! Peter, did you see her?
Peter: I'm looking at her now. I can see her from the window up here. Did anyone make a Jessica Tandy joke yet?
Lois: No!
Peter: Awesome! I'll be right down
Chris [to Brian]: Who are you dating, Jessica Tandy?
Peter: Sonuvabitch! Damnit Chris, I called that from upstairs

Peter: Hey aren't you that chick from the bathroom door?
Brian: Come on Peter, she doesn't want to talk about work
Peter: What's it like in there?
Bathroom Woman Logo: I assume it's how it's like in the men's room
Peter: Oh there's a long trough with a big poo in it?

Rita: Is that your condom?
Brian: No, I mean I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean I would if i was having sex with her, which I obviously would not do. I'm safe and all. I get AIDS test every three months. It's not because I have a lot of sex. I eat a lot of poo off the streets

Stewie: Yes! I'm going to wow her tonight Rupert, I'm going to be cooler than Brian when he hangs out at the bowling alley.
Brian: That's what I love about high school girls... I keep geting older, they stay the same age, hehehe, yes they do, yes they do...

I guess you can't judge a Brooke by her cover. [Laughs] You can cut that out right? Oh, and maybe you can cut out when I said junk earlier, the whole Chevy Chase thing. Seems like he's probably the kind of guy that would sue, he's gotta have no money left

Brian: Uh, Peter according to this you're not a genius. In fact you're mentally retarded.
Peter: Oh yeah? Well would a mentally retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian: Uh, maybe.
Peter: Oh

Peter: Well excuse me for being retarded. My whole world is turned upside-down. Black is east, up is white.
Brian: Peter, I hate to say 'I told you so' about not being a genius, but uh... YEAH! IN YOUR F**KING FACE, F**KWAD! I'm... I'm sorry

Peter: All right everybody, time for paint ball!
Brian: Uh... I forgot to pick up the paint ballguns.
Joe: We can use these, [he brings a box of live guns] I brought them from the office.
Everyone takes a gun.
Lois: Peter, is it safe to be firing real gun in the house?
Peter: All right, All Right, nobody fire at Lois, she's scare... Okay 1.. 2.. 3... GO!

Brian: Hey, do you hear that?
Peter: What?
Brian: Sounds like someone's screaming.
Peter: What? What is it boy? What are you trying to say?
Brian: It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter: Trouble at the old mill?
Brian: What are you insane?
Peter: Somebody fall through the ice?
Brian: It's summer.
Peter: Bobcat?
[Brian barks]
Peter: Loretta's in trouble?! Come on boy!

Peter: Cleveland, Loretta's cheating on you.
Cleveland: What?!
Peter: Yeah. Funny story; Me and Brian came by your house and caught her with some guy, and he's going "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" and She's going "Ohhh yeah", and he's going "Bam! Bam! Bam!"
Brian: Uh, Peter...
Peter: Hold on, I'm not done yet. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
Bamm-Bamm: Bamm-Bamm! Bamm-Bamm-Bamm! You wanna take it from here, Emeril?
Emeril Lagasse: Bam!

Family Guy Quotes

Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter: I'm making my own Red Bull! Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Brian: Whoa, whoa you're adding kerosene? That's insane! That'll destroy your body, Peter!
Peter: Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull...
Brian: That drink will kill you, Peter.
Peter: Whatever kills me will make me stronger.