Brian: Umm...where are the toilets?
New Yorker Editor: Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.

Brian: Wow, you went to Harvard, huh? I'm an Ivy League man myself, I went to Brown.
Wellsley Sheperdson: Ooh, my incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown, what year did you graduate?
Brian: Well, I mean, I, I didn't... technically graduate.
Sheperdson: You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind! You, sir, are fired!

Brian: East of Eden? So, you pretty much read whatever Oprah tells you to, huh?
Stewie: Hey, this book has been around for fifty years. It's a classic.
Brian: But you just bought it last week. And there's an Oprah sticker on it!
Stewie: Oh, is that what that is? I'll just peel that right off.
Brian: So, what are you gonna read next?
Stewie: Well, she hasn't told us yet... Damn!

Brian: What the hell is this?
Mayor West: It's creamed corn. I brang it from home because I don't like the creamed corn they have here. It's too crunchy.

Brian: What happened to your good buddy James Woods?
Peter: He was having trouble catching things in his mouth. What happened to your girlfriend?
Brian: Same problem.

Stewie: That coffee mug that you have on your desk, it says life's a beach? Umm, that's dangerously close to the word bitch isn't it?
Brian: Uhh, yeah that's the joke.
Stewie: Oh, absolutely! And nobody appreciates a little joke like Stewie, and you know between you and me I think it's a stitch, but some of the other employees found it offensive.
Brian: Other Employees? Who else works here besides me?
Stewie: Fuck you! That's who works here

Brian: Wait a sec, just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog?
Stewie: Just a stray.
Brian: ....Thank You.

Brian: I can't believe our society values the life of a dog less than a human. It's infuriating.
Stewie: That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and then chew on your balls for an hour.

I'm not proud of this, but i'm gonna have to lick that up.

Brian [about robot Miley Cyrus]: You think she does other things like a real girl, if you reprogram her?
Stewie: Brian's that sick. She's 16
Brian: I'm 8
Stewie: You're right, I'll see what I can do

Brian: This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby and he's your biggest fan. And he has cancer
Miley Cyrus: Oh my god, really?
Brian: Yeah he has a tumor in his head the size of a football
Miley Cyrus: Yeah I think I can see it

Brian: You are really pretty
Girl at Bar: Thanks
Brian: You know, uh, I wrote a book
Girl at Bar: What's that?
Brian: It's like a long magazine
Girl at Bar: Huh?
Brian: It's like the Internet made out of a tree
Girl at Bar: Oh, weird. You want to have sex in the bathroom?
Brian: Oh gosh, what a treat, yes I would like that

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley