She can be meaner than a barn owl at sunset.

Mitchell: Hey fiancée.
Cam: Hello my intended.

I know one Indian who was friends with a construction worker, fireman, and traffic cop.

Prepare to feel like an old denim fest because I'm about to be-dazzling you.

Why does drama keep following me everywhere I go? It just pops up out of nowhere.

Jump, swim, now give me your best Beyonce.

Mitchell look around, your family is cheating on me with your ex boyfriend!

Aww time to heal more, that's so sweet and sensitive. Why did you kill that part of yourself?

Cam [to Mitchell]

Cam: Well obviously the tooth fairy made a mistake.
Mitchell: Maybe it's cause the tooth fairy had a little too much chardonnay last night.

Phil: She's like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Cam: With cuter hair.

You know what? You just caused a scene in a restaurant and you can't get anymore like your daddies than that.

Cam [to Lily]

Cam: I knew when I was 5.
Mitchell: Everyone knew when you were 5.