The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXPopular Chief Wiggum Quotes
Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.
Chief Wiggum: They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?
Chief Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news; your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my God! He's dead?!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
Mrs. Phillips: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband's DWI?
Chief Wiggum: Um, why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.
Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!
Chief Wiggum: (Gets out of car) I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Eddie: (Into radio) We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.
All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says 'Capricorn', and something with coconut on it!
Don't snap my undies.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, what you packing, Simpson?
Homer: Just my lunch. Chicken parm, meatball parn, eggplant parm, shishka parm, angel hair parm, moo goo gai parm. My wife can parm anything.
Chief Wiggum: My wife only parms on my birthday and that's only if I give her the sad puppy dog look.
Chief Wiggum: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Cops don't have a lot of friends. Civilians are afraid of us and other cops just remind of us things we want to forget. That's why your friendship is so special to me.
Homer: Chief, me too.
Snake: Umm, you know I've been back here for like ten hours. Any chance of a bathroom break?
Chief Wiggum: Thanks a lot jail bird. Now I have you on burglary and killing a moment.
Chief Wiggum: Who are you, the rules police?
Lou: No, we are the police police.
You are all that rare combination - prying but not pervy.
Now, just follow a little formula called PB & J. Peer at the monitor. Be judgmental. And jot it down. One way to remember that is A-B-C. Always Be Considering PB & J. But the single most important rule is the four As. Always Act According to A-B-C.
Chief Wiggum: Hold it right there, Switches of Eastwick.
Lou: Switches of Eastwick?
Chief Wiggum: I don't want to censor myself. That's how creativity dies.
Are you sure? Because we've brought you a lot of flimsy cases. Like that goat we accused of income tax evasion.
