Dee: Just so I'm clear, you don't actually think things are going to come alive because you're spending the night in museum, right?
Dennis: I'm sorry, we're simply opening ourselves up to the possibility of an amazing adventure this evening. Is there something wrong with that? Whether that means Charlie running into his ancient spirits or us running away from security guards all night, it's gonna be a really great time.

Dee: I bet you don't even have any black people here.
Pool Guy: Excuse me, ma'am, but there's an African American family right there.
Dee: Well good for you. You keep a couple token ones around. Do you parade them around like a couple dancing monkeys?

Dennis: You're born into class. It's about pedigree. It's about upbringing. It has nothing to do with your present circumstance.
Dee: See, Dennis and I were born upper class. Therefore, we currently are and will forever remain upper class. Frank, stop picking your teeth for one second and back us up here.

You should take your powerful extension cord argument straight to the Supreme Court.

Dee: Where is your breath?
Charlie: In my mouth?
Dee: No, no. It starts in your chest. You got to focus on your diaphragm.
Charlie: What the hell's a diaphragm?

Dennis: Failure implies that she actually tried to be an actor.
Dee: Okay, I did try. It just didn't happen to work out.
Frank: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee: Oh, thank you. That's my dad, everybody.

Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.

Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Mac: We are getting blasted in the ass by the state liquor tax.
Dee: Blasted in the ass?
Dennis: Mac, we have the same conversation every year. There's nothing you can do about taxes.
Dee: Uh, you guys might want to think about voting every once in a while.

Dee: Are those--those stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?
Charlie: Uhhh... no. They're the amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things!

Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Dee: Wow, you're a horrible father.

Dee: For once I'm going to do the right thing.
Frank: He thinks you're too old, huh?
Dee: God-d*****, why do I speak to you, ever.