Dwight Schrute Quotes
Oscar went to Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to an United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
Dwight
Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Michael: So, you are all going to have a drug test. And I am not.
Dwight: No, you will be tested.
Michael: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight: No, you will be. That is the law, according to the rules.
Michael: OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.
Dwight: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: All better.
Michael: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been canceled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight: No, you can't do that.
Michael: I can do that, it's my office, and...
Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE.
Dwight: Do you know what this is?
Phyllis: Yes. It's marijuana.
Dwight: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
Dwight: Dammit.
And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
Dwight
I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.
Dwight
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.
Jim: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works!
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim: No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?
Creed: That is "Northern Lights". Cannabis indica.
Dwight: [sighs] No, it's marijuana.
Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.
