Favorite Edie Britt Quotes
Edie: Don't tell anyone but I'm planning a huge surprise for Karl!
Susan: Surprise?!
Edie: Yeah I put in together an engagement party tomorrow afternoon.
Julie: Oh Cool!
Edie: But that's not the surprise. Actually, it's gonna be a surprise wedding!
Edie: (to Susan) You know, when Karl dumped you I thought that it was all your fault, I figured that you were nag or bad in bed but, now I see that you were just a victim too, we have a bond Susan, It's like we're sisters. There's even a pretty one and an ugly one!
Bree: Edie!
Edie: Oh I'm just saying that Karl screwed us both!
Susan: Yes, like you wouldn't believe!
Bree: Honey, you've got to eat something.
Gabrielle: Don't have an appetite. In fact, this is all going to go to waste. You guys should take something.
Lynette: No, no, you should keep it.
Edie: I'll take a couple. (All the ladies stare at her) What? Karl dumped me, so I'm alone. Food fills the void.
(Susan turns on the recorder under her shirt and knocks on Edie's door. Edie answers the door eating a bag of popcorn. She tries to slam the door. Susan holds the door)
Susan: No, Edie, wait! Um, I don't want to fight. I know that we've had our differences, but you know we had a friendship going on there and I just think we owe it to ourselves to talk about what happened.
Edie: What's there to talk about? It happened. (she chews the popcorn as she talks) I walked down to your house. I had this watering can.
Susan: What?
Edie (muffled): I filled it with gasoline and boom! Laughed my ass off.
Susan: Okay, wait, could you just swallow? 'Cause I couldn't really hear what you were saying.
Edie: Well, that was basically it. One of the best days of my life.
Susan: Well, see you were chewing and so I didn't really hear what you said. Could you just say it again?
Edie: I burnt you house down and it was great. What do you want?
Susan: So, uh, you then admit burning down my house. On purpose.
Edie: What do you want?
Susan: Uh, this is a little awkward and I apologize in advance for how this is gonna sound, but um...by any chance, did you burn down my house?
Edie: Yes.
Susan: What?
Edie: Yes, I burnt down your house, you sleazy little whore.
Susan: Edie! Why would you do that?
Edie: Can you blame me after sending me that acid letter?
Susan: Letter? What letter?
Edie: The one where you admitted to stabbing me in the back by sleeping with Karl.
Susan: You weren't supposed to get that! I stole that back from the mailman.
Edie: So, you were trying to hide the truth from me?
Susan: This is not what we should focus on right now. The point is you maliciously set fire to my house!
Edie: Look, I admit I might have overreacted a tad.
Susan: A tad? Edie, I have no roof! You can't just go around burning down people's homes!
Edie: Why not? You burnt down my home! You stole Mike from me! You slept with my fiance! That's the trifecta! You're lucky I didn't torch your car!
Susan: That's it! I'm going to the police and I'm telling them what you did!
Edie: Did what? I didn't do anything.
Susan: Wha--? You just confessed!
Edie: No, I didn't. Did anyone else hear me confess? Hello? Hello? No witnesses. No evidence. No confession. I guess we're done here. You can go home now. Oh wait, that's right, you don't have one.
Karen: (talking to a prospective buyer) The police found her severed fingers in the garage. And they never found Felicia's body. I wouldn't be surprised if someday you opened a cabinet and hello!
Edie: Karen, dear! Have you seen the marble backsplash? Oh I just must show it to you. Excuse us. What are you trying to do to me you back stabbing cow?
Karen: They asked why the owner was selling. I told them that Paul Young was in jail, they asked why. Conversation has a flow.
Retiring Elder: My only concern would be the neighborhood, we really need a quiet place for our retirement.
Edie: Oh, are you kidding? There's no place in Fairview that's more peaceful...
(As Edie opens the door, Tom, Lynette, the clown, and children with balloons run past screaming)
Edie: Let me show you the Media Room.
(Edie is about to give Austin a can of beer)
Edie: Oh, wait. You're 18, right?
Austin: Well, that's what my ID says.
Edie: Yeah. Mine too.
Edie: Julie, sweetie. You're a good girl. Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew.
Julie: Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents.
Edie: Honey, that's what every good girl says, just before she becomes a bad girl. Trust me, I know.
Edie: Ah, here's the picture that you took of me in my bikini at that pool party. You could've warned me I was showing a little nip. Oh, Susan Mayer. Remember her?
Mike: Yeah. She's pretty.
Edie: Yeah, she is, sort of, in this picture. Is there a date on this thing?
Mike: The nurses said that she visited me a lot. We were close, huh?
Edie: You have just come out of a coma. Can we not talk about Susan till you start to regain your strength?
Mike: Why?
Edie: Oh, God. I hate to be the one telling you this.
Mike: Well, if you don't want to...
Edie: That tramp treated you like dirt. She strung you along. She slept with other guys. You broke up with her twice.
Mike: Well, why did she keep visiting me when I was out of it?
Edie: Well, she's a bit of a stalker. I was worried that she was gonna come in here and disconnect one of the tubes or something. But don't worry. She's glommed on to some new guy, and she's up in the mountains at his place with him right now.
Mike: Wow. She told the nurses that she really loved me?
Edie: That's the one thing about Susan that you must not forget. She is a liar.
Edie: Well, at the risk of stating the obvious, it's over. He's mine now.
Susan: No, no, no, no! No, no, this, this is not how this ends. No, evil does not triumph over good.
Edie: That's how you see me?
Susan: Damn straight! You lie, you cheat, you scheme! You ruin people's relationships! I mean, how do you sleep at night?
Edie: Soon, with Mike on top of me, if you know what I mean.
Susan: See? Evil! Evil!
Edie: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Mike and I are meant to end up together?
Susan: No! You, Mike? You don't even want him! You're just doing this to hurt me.
Edie: Wow, how self-absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here, and I even backed off when he fell for your little Miss Adorable act. But he's over that. It's my turn now, and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt, well, that's just gravy. All right, maybe that was a little evil.
(to Susan) Mike has no idea who you are. I envy him.
