Evelyn Harper Quotes
Alan: Can I come live with you?
Evelyn: No
Alan: Oh, come one, Mom, I am going to be homeless, once he marries her; I am going to be living on the street.
Evelyn: Try to pick a street in Beverly Hills, so I visit you
Evelyn: Alan, you know I don't like old people.
Alan: I do know, you will like her, she is young at heart like you.
Evelyn: I am young everywhere, all parts. What I have not replaced, I have tightened, bleached or trimmed.
For god sake's walden, I'm old enough to be your mother. Assuming a teenage pregnancy, of course.
Walden: Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn: With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
Walden: See what you can find.
You really should get that boy a unicycle and bowling pins.
Evelyn: You're my son. I should at least pretend I believe in you.
Alan: Thank you.
Evelyn: I'm putting "American Cancer Society" on the memo line. Just ignore that.
Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.
Evelyn: I'll be right back,
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: To put on panties.
It's all right, I never expect much of you. And you never disappoint me.
Evelyn: What is wrong with him (Jake)?
Alan: Nothing organic. We've had him checked.
Evelyn: You go out with a girl and break up with her hoo-hah can develop a 5'o clock shadow.
Alan: Well, in his defense mom, he's usually paying by the hour.
Evelyn: If you excuse me, I'm going to go drown my sorrows in alcohol.
Charlie: If you're not committed to alcohol, there's a whole big ocean out there.
