Charlie: I just want you to know that in my way I want you to be happy, and I love you.
Evelyn: Well, I guess I'll go pack.
Charlie: Why?
Evelyn: Oh, I'm going home.
Charlie: In the middle of the night?
Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You can only screw it up from here

Evelyn: We are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy's going to remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.