Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men

Alan: Can I come live with you?
Evelyn: No
Alan: Oh, come one, Mom, I am going to be homeless, once he marries her; I am going to be living on the street.
Evelyn: Try to pick a street in Beverly Hills, so I visit you

Evelyn: Alan, you know I don't like old people.
Alan: I do know, you will like her, she is young at heart like you.
Evelyn: I am young everywhere, all parts. What I have not replaced, I have tightened, bleached or trimmed.

For god sake's walden, I'm old enough to be your mother. Assuming a teenage pregnancy, of course.

Walden: Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn: With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
Walden: See what you can find.

You really should get that boy a unicycle and bowling pins.

Evelyn: You're my son. I should at least pretend I believe in you.
Alan: Thank you.
Evelyn: I'm putting "American Cancer Society" on the memo line. Just ignore that.

Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.

Evelyn: I'll be right back,
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: To put on panties.

It's all right, I never expect much of you. And you never disappoint me.

Evelyn: What is wrong with him (Jake)?
Alan: Nothing organic. We've had him checked.

Evelyn: You go out with a girl and break up with her hoo-hah can develop a 5'o clock shadow.
Alan: Well, in his defense mom, he's usually paying by the hour.

Evelyn: If you excuse me, I'm going to go drown my sorrows in alcohol.
Charlie: If you're not committed to alcohol, there's a whole big ocean out there.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 86 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

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