Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom

Charlie: I think I'll go to the bathroom.
Evelyn: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean "why"? I have to go.
Evelyn: When was the last time you had a prostate exam?
Charlie: It feels like I'm having one now

Evelyn: So, how is work?
Charlie: Fine.
Evelyn: Are you seeing anybody special?
Charlie: Nope.
Evelyn: Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in? You won't share.
Charlie: You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me.
Evelyn: Oh please...
Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!

Alan [reading the newspaper]: Hey, mom, here's some good news. It seems with medical breakthroughs, the average life span will soon be a hundred years.
Evelyn: Wonderful, more time to be ignored by your children

Evelyn: I'm deeply hurt.
Alan: With me or Charlie?
Evelyn: Charlie.
Alan: Great, come on in

I think God gives us children so that death won't come as such a disappointment

Evelyn [about Alan and Judith]: If you were to reconcile, I would have to apologize to her.
Alan: So?
Evelyn: I'd rather kill us all

Do you just stay awake at nights thinking of new ways to embarrass me?

Did my son... polish your trophy wife?

Evelyn [to Alan]: Are you telling me you need to get your ex-wife's approval to let your own son spend time with your own mother?
Charlie: He had a really, really bad lawyer

Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan

Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.