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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan [about Marty]: Mom, are you and he...
Evelyn: Good Lord, no. The man is a thousand years old. It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.

Confession may be good for the soul, but for marriage, it's a hot, lead enema.

Evelyn: The sooner you two get married, the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.
Charlie: Why, does Miss Evelyn need a cook and a butler, too?

Evelyn: When I was married to your second step-father...
Charlie: The carpet king?
Evelyn: Well I called him that, but it wasn't his profession

I want to see you happy, and not dressed like an unemployed lesbian

You suggested Charlie's fiancee get small breasts? Why not reinstate prohibition while you're at it?

Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here. Warm cookies smell, good. Hot poop smell, bad

Evelyn: I'm doubly pleased that you two have been able to put behind your obvious distasteful history and become such good friends
Chelsea: What distasteful history?
Berta: Come on, at least let them cook my breakfast
Evelyn: Most women would resent the former lover of their fiancee sleeping in the same house as them...
Berta: It ain't me, keep on cooking

Evelyn: All her son did at her funeral was make cynical jokes at her.
Charlie: Did you happen to jot any of them down? edit

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