Jay: Just keep hitting all those buttons until something good happens, that's my plan anyway.
Gloria: Woof.

I know a lot of people think I'm attracted to Jay because of his mind. But they're wrong. I'm attracted to him because he's sexy.

Alex: You maybe wanna take a shift carrying this dry ice?
Gloria: No I just had a baby.
Alex: I watched you carry Manny to bed.

Claire: Wow pretty cozy with the new housekeeper huh?
Gloria: She's my sister.
Claire: Wow pretty weird with your sister!

In my village if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a druglord

I am very angry at you and I'm going to make a list of all the things I'm going to scream at you as soon as this baby's out of me.

I have two brains in my body but I've never felt so dumb.

Gloria: The baby kicked me all night. It's either going to be a football player or a chorus girl.
Cam: You can be both. My senior year I was a right side linebacker and a left side cancan dancer in Gigi.

Claire listen to me. Take a lot of cash and when you flash it at the police, do not speak about it. Their eyes do all the talking, okay?

I have an angry baby inside of me making me do bad things!

I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. I know how to keep my kid safe.

Gloria: I'm pregnant.
Claire: You're gonna get so fat!

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell