Jay: If you told him the truth he'd thank you later.
Gloria: Like Claire and Mitch, did they thank you?
Jay: Not yet, but it's coming.

If you want him to stop lifting stuff, put it in grocery bags and put a football game on TV.

Gloria: I cannot believe he spent 50 dollars on this.
Jay: I know! He could've gotten a two-year subscription to Playboy for that.

What do you mean she blossomed? Like the puberty?

Manny, sometimes you can be a little old fashioned. Remember the first time you saw the kids with the backpacks with wheels and you thought they were a little flashy?

Manny: I wanna be home-schooled.
Gloria: Really Manny? You want me to learn you English?

Are you happy? You have reduced me to a person who eats a shoe.

Cam I don't have all day to describe my meals to you.

Claire: None of you believe me so I got proof. You should all be sucking it right now!
Gloria: Claire, please, enough with the sucking it! They're children!

Look I'm the horse whisperer but something is making this one skittish!

Jay: Sausage-of-the-month club really nailed it in May, but honey, no offense, they almost lost me last month with that chorizo.
Gloria: Why no offense? It's a sausage, it's not on our flag.

Gloria: He thought we were gonna use it all the time, but I keep hitting my boobs with my knees.
Jay: Champagne problems, right?

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Luke