Jay: Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria: No, tired of having a hot wife?

Gloria: Is that a leash?
Cam: It's a child safety tether.

We wouldn't be in the air, we'd be in rock n roll heaven!

Haley: He's gonna ruin my party!
Gloria: Two birds, one bullet.

Jay: I don't know what they do in Columbia.
Gloria: No one does and don't ask.

I don't wanna be around when something that tight unravels.

You dated a Dottie after Dede?

Jay we use this to get tables at restaurants, why can't we use it to get Manny a friend?

Gloria [punches guy]: Nobody calls him grandpa!
Luke: I do.

There are blind models? That's so sad, they can't see how pretty they are!

It's a freakshow, but it's their freakshow.

I know you can't tell by looking at me, but I'm not a natural homemaker.