Jay: Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria: No, tired of having a hot wife?

Gloria: Is that a leash?
Cam: It's a child safety tether.

We wouldn't be in the air, we'd be in rock n roll heaven!

Haley: He's gonna ruin my party!
Gloria: Two birds, one bullet.

Jay: I don't know what they do in Columbia.
Gloria: No one does and don't ask.

I don't wanna be around when something that tight unravels.

You dated a Dottie after Dede?

Jay we use this to get tables at restaurants, why can't we use it to get Manny a friend?

Gloria [punches guy]: Nobody calls him grandpa!
Luke: I do.

There are blind models? That's so sad, they can't see how pretty they are!

It's a freakshow, but it's their freakshow.

I know you can't tell by looking at me, but I'm not a natural homemaker.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're the last person who should give me anything. You got me here. You got me to graduation, to Cal tech. You did it. You're done.

Alex