The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Homer Simpson Quotes
Lisa: Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present?
Homer: Here you go.
Lisa: (Counts the money) Dad, this is $110!
Homer: Oh, sorry. (Gives her the whole wallet)
Sorry Marge. I gotta call bullcrap on that one. The '69 Mets will live on forever, but you think anybody cares about Ron Swoboda's wife and kids? Not me, and I assume not Ron Swoboda.
Homer: I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
Kent Brockman: Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been committing?
Homer: Oh Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: (pause) Mmm, touch.
Marge: Why do you have to eat have to eat peanuts in the shower?
Homer: It gives me the fresh circus feeling in the morning.
Homer: Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it.
Marge: No there isn't.
Homer: Trust me.
(starts eating bacon)
Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.
Homer: Meh.
(In bed, Homer worries about what Mr. Burns said about making sure his dreams will go unfulfilled.)
Homer: Oh, my dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no. I don't like the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better, please. Can't you make it better, huh?
Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping till noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them.
Homer: Hey, you did it!
(Marge hides as Kent Brockman inspects the gazebo she built.)
Kent Brockman: Mm-mmm! Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
Homer: Listen, what would you say if I told you a woman did most of the work?
Kent Brockman: I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin...for your manhood.
Homer: (Shrieks)
Kent Brockman: Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
Homer: Uh, like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
Kent Brockman: Well said! Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
(recieves a football) Wow! Thanks. Now I have four children You will be called "stitch face."
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open, and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?
I know we saw awesome beatdowns tonight, but remember don't try this at home. Do it at the school yard, someplace where if you get hurt, we can sue. And not just them, but the school, the county, the state and that jackass Joe Biden
