You can't delude yourself into thinking you can combine them into one perfect woman, like a Smore you can take a shower with.

[to Nancy] I wanna take naps with you. I wanna watch you watching hockey. I wanna find long red strands of hair in my overcooked pot roast.

I've prepared a very unromantic evening. First we're going to see a documentary about female circumcision, and then we're going to eat too much Indian food.

Avery: Well, if you must know I'm on Dodecaysil, the pill where you only get your period once a year.
Jack: Ugh, we're so close to beating that thing completely.

Jack: You do not want to miss this wedding, it's going to be New York royalty: the Astors, the Rockefellers, the Sbarros.
Avery: I know Jack. You think I don't want to know what Pizzerina Sbarro is going to be wearing?

I promise you this weekend will be filled with looking out windows while holding a glass of scotch.

[on CNBC's Mad Money] I didn't realize we were still airing that. Cramer's been dead for six months.

He's in town. I saw him last night at Rupert Murdoch's Twister party. I mean ... regular party.

I know it's gay, but it's my gay problem and I'm handling it!

Yes mom, I've memorized the names of all of the women in your water aerobics class.

Very different indeed. Like a cantaloupe and a Ziploc bag of mushroom soup.

[on Argus] He's become listless, and he won't eat any of the food I got at the crazy rich person's pet shop.

30 Rock Quotes

Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
Liz: I need to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jack: With my eyes closed.

Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? [pointing thumbs at self] This moi.

Liz