Liz: His name's Floyd.
Jack: That's unfortunate.

Therapist: I think we're just doing Good Times now.
Tracy: Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for.
Jack (in stuffed-up voice): Now see hear Tracy, it's impolite to slurp one's soup.
Tracy: Whoa, no need to resort to ugly stereotypes.

Tracy: No, Dad! Don't die! I love you Dad! I don't wanna dogfight no more!
Jack (normal voice): Tracy that's it! That's it!
Tracy (to therapist): Thank you for showing me there really is love in my family after all. And I need to stay the hell away from them. Donaghy, you're the only family I need, Jackie D.
Jack: You got that right, Tre. You know it's too bad you didn't know Howard Cossell when you were growing up because I had that one in my pocket the whole time.

Devon: You familiar with the Church of Practicology?
Jack: You mean the cult that was invented by Stan Lee?
Devon: No, I mean the religion founded by the alien king living inside Stan Lee.

She needs to lose thirty pounds or gain sixty. Anything in between has no place on television.

Jack: All right, Jerry, what NBC shows do you want to be digitally inserted into?
Seinfeld: I like Lost. Is that you guys?

Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
Liz: I need to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jack: With my eyes closed.

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401K?
Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
Liz: I've got like 12 grand in checking.
Jack: Are you an immigrant?

Jack: I think Angie is right-handed so you have to work her clockwise.
Liz: Wait, you've already thought about fighting her?
Jack: Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'll fight them. You have a gimpy right knee, right?

Lemon, women your age are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jack

Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.
Liz: MILF Island?
Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.
Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Colleen: Well, well, well, well, well, this must be the one, huh? Phoebe! Welcome.
Jack: No, no.
Liz: No, I-
Colleen: Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Jack: Mother, mother! This is not Phoebe.
Liz: No.
Colleen: This is not Phoebe? Well, why the hell not? I mean, she's perfect. Character, she got strength of character... and I tell you something else; she's got a good, solid... baby bucket.
Liz: You are a sassy old broad, aren't you?

30 Rock Quotes

Oh, oh Ken ... we may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here. And if you try to grab on to me, we'll both drown.

Tracy

I wanna roll my eyes right now, but the doctor said if I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

Liz