Jack: Jenna, this is for family only.
Jenna: Now you sound like the cops outside Jackie O's funeral.

We've got a great show. At least that's what the Jews I pay tell me.

Bang, zoom, I'm gonna drown you in the bathtub and say a mental patient did it.

One of these days I'm gonna cut you up in pieces and feed you to the neighbor's dogs.

One of these days Dorris I'm gonna take a shotgun and blam, blow your face off.

From now on you write and shoot the whole season in two weeks, like Wheel of Fortune or Fox News.

Liz: Has anyone ever known a good person named Kevin?
Jack: Kevin Garnett helped me move once. Kevin Costner cooked me dinner after a bad breakup.

Jack: Your life is tied to the fate of the ring. It must be destroyed.
Pete: Are you quoting The Lord of the Rings?
Jack: No, I'm quoting myself talking to Bruce Willis.

Jack: Your evaluation gave me pause.
Pete: Are you sure? Those look like hands to me.

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