Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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I love sleeping so much sometimes I even dream about it.

Hey Uncle Charlie you look like a 70's porn star... I'm guessing.

Mandy: You are so cute!
Jake: I know.
Kathleen: You got a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Mandy: You don't ever want to get married?
Jake [repeating Charlie's quote]: No, as long as I've got somebody to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?!?!?
Jake: Yeah, I don't want to be giving anyone half my stuff
Alan: Okay, bye-bye

Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.

Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Jake: Sometimes.
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.

Jake: (talking about "getting his ducks in a row" before the date) What was that thing about ducks?
Charlie: It's just an expression.
Jake: Well, it's confusing.
Charlie: Sorry.
Jake: You can't get them in a row...
Charlie: I know. I know. Now, just listen to me.
Jake: ...they're ducks. They move willy-nilly.

Jake: Do I look okay?
Charlie: Jake, she waved at you, she smiled, clearly her standards aren't that high.
Jake: Right, thanks.

Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's whether or not you beat the spread

Jake: Can we watch the soccer game instead of basketball?
Charlie: What are you, nuts?
Jake: Sophie said soccer is the most popular game in the world.
Charlie: Well, then they don't need us to watch it.

Alan: What do I have to be depressed about?
Jake: You've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
Alan: You're flunking tenth grade, when the hell did this happen?
Jake: Easy dude, I think you have bigger things to worry about.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 275 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.