I'm probably going to have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway, might as well be you.

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Manny: In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up til morning.
Jay: I'm sure they do, but if you notice from the absence of goats in the streets, we're not in Colombia.

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Two thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

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Jay: You want scary? When I was his age I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Because I could identify all the Commi planes.
Gloria: What are we talking about?!?

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You're just mad at the old balls and chain.

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Manny: I guess I'm too proud to ask for help.
Jay: Are you kidding? She still cuts your steak.

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Jay: What's up!
Mitchell: Uh, well you know, uh, moms in town.
Jay: Your mom?
Mitchell: No, no your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes, yes my mom, dad.
Jay: My mom would be less scary

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Phil: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a pilot.... What would happen if you turn the remote off and on right again?
Jay: Yeah, you would have made a great pilot

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Gloria: We're very different, he's from the city, he has big big business and I come from a small village, very poor but very very beautiful. It is the number one village in all Colombia for all the, what's the word?
Jay: Murders.
Gloria: Yes, the murders

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Gloria: Men need their hobbies. Manny's father had many hobbies like hiking in the desert, that kind of skiing where they drop you from the, how do you say in English? [Makes helicopter sounds]
Jay: Helicopter.
Gloria: Yes. Once on a dare, he even boxed with an alligator.
Jay: Wrestle, you wrestle... you can't box with alligators.
Gloria: You sure?
Jay: How would they get the gloves on their little claws?
Gloria: Aren't they like tiny little hands?
Jay: No! Okay, now I forgot what we were talking about.
Gloria: Anyways, hobbies are important for the men. Whether you're risking your life, or flying little planes from a safe distance

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Gloria: So take back your sword and go fight this sword like a bull!
Manny: Okay.
Gloria: I can't hear you.
Manny: Okay!
Jay: I can't hear you!
Manny: That's really as loud as I can go.

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She's always had a certain comfort level with... killing.

• Permalink: She's always had a certain comfort level with... killing.
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