Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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First rule of golf, shhh.

Claire: You have an in law who no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can't win over.
Jay: What about it?
Claire: Oh that doesn't sound familiar?
Jay:You're not saying.
Claire: Mmhmm, yeah I am.
Jay: Son of a bitch, I'm Phil!

Nobody doesn't like me. I'm Jay. I'm salt of the earth.

What's one more son in a dress?

Fulgencio Umberto, the initials are F U Pritchitt which is exactly the way it feels right now

That's the whole point of a surprise party, you take somebody you really love and you play em like a fool.

Papa would buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut up.

For God's sake change out of those wingtips. You're a kid, not Nixon on the beach!

If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers you wouldn't be having a baby.

Jay: You're wearing a $10K watch and you haggling over 15 cents?
Guy: You live in this place and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay: Fine 35.
Guy: Can you break a 50?
Jay: Get out.

You've been deported twice; you're not allowed to be that defensive.

I'm having a baby at 65. You wanna another surprise Gloria? Buy yourself a box of crackerjacks.

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