You'd rather kill your husband than admit you need glasses?

Manny got into a fight at The Sound of Music, got kicked out, I've never been so proud.

What ever happened to letting kids be themselves?

Gloria (whispers): It's the curse.
Jay: Not that I ever want to discourage you from whispering, but that's not a thing.

They keep their tools in a pillowcase but they have an occasions closet.

If he doesn't go to Columbia, Columbia comes to me.

I'm down there for a funeral. It's such a sad event and I end up finding something that I thought was lost forever. This beautiful moment that meant so much to both of us, set against the backdrop of fighting commies. There's your movie.

I was shipping off to Vietnam, you had the ass of a young Ann Margaret.

Manny: What kind of man writes poetry on the computer?
Jay: You could've ended that sentence after poetry.

Gloria: He's a lying, scheming little sneak. That's my son.
Jay: Our son.

What did I say about these flowered blankets for him? He's starting to take after Hugh Hefner over there.

Gloria: You had a 3 hour nap on Sunday.
Jay: I was tired.
Gloria: From what, your 2 hour nap on Saturday?

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.