Jay: I won't be able to hear her, she won't be able to see me.
Gloria: Well be together forever!

You'd rather kill your husband than admit you need glasses?

Manny got into a fight at The Sound of Music, got kicked out, I've never been so proud.

What ever happened to letting kids be themselves?

Gloria (whispers): It's the curse.
Jay: Not that I ever want to discourage you from whispering, but that's not a thing.

They keep their tools in a pillowcase but they have an occasions closet.

If he doesn't go to Columbia, Columbia comes to me.

I'm down there for a funeral. It's such a sad event and I end up finding something that I thought was lost forever. This beautiful moment that meant so much to both of us, set against the backdrop of fighting commies. There's your movie.

I was shipping off to Vietnam, you had the ass of a young Ann Margaret.

Manny: What kind of man writes poetry on the computer?
Jay: You could've ended that sentence after poetry.

Gloria: He's a lying, scheming little sneak. That's my son.
Jay: Our son.

What did I say about these flowered blankets for him? He's starting to take after Hugh Hefner over there.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me