J.D.: You know what I was thinking the whole time I was with Jill?
Dr. Cox: No,what?
J.D.: God, this girl is annoying.

Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey J.D., if you go out would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
Todd: I got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here. People think I just luck into these situations but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit.

(JD doing a video for his mother)
J.D.: Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom?
Dr. Cox: No, but I have something I'd like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world.
(Shakes the camera)
Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore!

Mr. McNair's Computer: Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Thank you for asking Mr. McNair. You see the thing about Dr. Cox is that the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva he is actually saying "J.D., I care about you". Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox-
Mr. McNair's Computer: Oh my God! I get it now, Carol! Carol! Carol! Carol!
J.D.: Now you are being a jerk. Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.
J.D.: Oh, my bad.

Turk: Secondly, if Junior gets scared, he can always climb in the bed with us. That is what I did with my mom.
Carla: What do you mean, "did"? J.D., last Christmas, I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling together in bed.
J.D.'s narration: Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother.
Turk: I think you are just jealous because you're mother is dead!
J.D.: Whoa! We should probably take a break.

Turk: Mothers and daughters... they speak so fast, but they speak so true.
(Calls J.D.)
Turk: Did you see it?
J.D.: I'm so mad at Lorelai, I can't even talk right now.

Carla: I don't think we have anymore wine. Turk, can I have some of yours?
J.D.'s narration: I felt like Turk was starting to blame me for all of this.
Turk: (Spills his wine in J.D.'s face) I spilled mine too, honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some of J.D.'s.
J.D.: (Spills his wine on his crotch) I spilled mine too.

My friend, we have just lo-jacked the janitor….Hel-LO!

J.D.: This plan is fool proof.
Dr. Cox: That is impossible. You two are involved.
Turk: We will see about that!
(Turk and J.D. crash into each other as they try to walk away)

J.D.: You will never get anywhere near me.
Janitor: We'll see.
J.D.: Yeah, we will se.
Janitor: Oh, we are going to see.
J.D.: The only left to do is see.
Janitor: You are going to pay.
J.D.: We'll see.
Janitor: I have no time.
J.D.: Okay, bye.

J.D.: Wait Turk! I have an idea.
Turk: You have another idea? Well I've got to tell you, I'm done with you're ideas and not just for now but forever! Okay, are we clear on that?
J.D.: It's a good one.
Turk: I'm listening.

Personally, me, I believe medicine is about more than treating the disease. You gotta be there for people. Take Mrs. Cohen, when she broke h er hip, I treated that. But she had also left her car double-parked so being an "extra mile" kind of guy, I went and took care of it.

Scrubs Quotes

Dr. Kelso: Ahhh! Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?