Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey J.D., if you go out would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
Todd: I got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here. People think I just luck into these situations but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit.

Mrs.Tracy: You can have her organs.
J.D.: Thank you
Mrs.Tracy: Just tell me one thing, is there anything that anyone could have done?
J.D.: No.
J.D.'s narration: Unless you mean me.

Mr. McNair's Computer: Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Thank you for asking Mr. McNair. You see the thing about Dr. Cox is that the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva he is actually saying "J.D., I care about you". Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox-
Mr. McNair's Computer: Oh my God! I get it now, Carol! Carol! Carol! Carol!
J.D.: Now you are being a jerk. Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.
J.D.: Oh, my bad.

Turk: Secondly, if Junior gets scared, he can always climb in the bed with us. That is what I did with my mom.
Carla: What do you mean, "did"? J.D., last Christmas, I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling together in bed.
J.D.'s narration: Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother.
Turk: I think you are just jealous because you're mother is dead!
J.D.: Whoa! We should probably take a break.

(JD doing a video for his mother)
J.D.: Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom?
Dr. Cox: No, but I have something I'd like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world.
(Shakes the camera)
Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore!

Turk: Mothers and daughters... they speak so fast, but they speak so true.
(Calls J.D.)
Turk: Did you see it?
J.D.: I'm so mad at Lorelai, I can't even talk right now.

J.D.: Wait Turk! I have an idea.
Turk: You have another idea? Well I've got to tell you, I'm done with you're ideas and not just for now but forever! Okay, are we clear on that?
J.D.: It's a good one.
Turk: I'm listening.

Carla: I don't think we have anymore wine. Turk, can I have some of yours?
J.D.'s narration: I felt like Turk was starting to blame me for all of this.
Turk: (Spills his wine in J.D.'s face) I spilled mine too, honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some of J.D.'s.
J.D.: (Spills his wine on his crotch) I spilled mine too.

J.D.: You will never get anywhere near me.
Janitor: We'll see.
J.D.: Yeah, we will se.
Janitor: Oh, we are going to see.
J.D.: The only left to do is see.
Janitor: You are going to pay.
J.D.: We'll see.
Janitor: I have no time.
J.D.: Okay, bye.

My friend, we have just lo-jacked the janitor….Hel-LO!

J.D.: This plan is fool proof.
Dr. Cox: That is impossible. You two are involved.
Turk: We will see about that!
(Turk and J.D. crash into each other as they try to walk away)

J.D.'s Narration: Keith was shockingly good at pretending to like crappy presents. But you know what he was best at?
J.D.: Keith, we need more popcorn... yeah!
J.D.'s Narration: Being girl bait. Here's how it goes down. Keith comes back. Elliot marks her territory so that the girls knows he's taken. And I just pick off one of the smaller, weaker ones who come by for a look-see.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. I'm a landowner. Burt Reynolds is my father. I love sports.

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: We found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples...
Ted: Why should they be happy!?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait, is she in to me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.
J.D.: Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena: That's really funny!
J.D.'s Narration: Well that's not a fair test - that joke's hilarious.