J.D.'s Narration: The key is to be ready for it.
J.D.: I was not ready for this.
Larry: Since Carol is going to lose all of her hair in chemo, we decided to shave all of our heads now. He even agreed to do the cutting.
Dr. Cox: You're up next, there, big guy. I mean, come on. You're all in this together, right?

J.D.: It's not like nurses know everything.
J.D.'s Narration: Uh oh. Carla's gearing up to explode. Save yourself. Attempt the casual side switch. (J.D. takes baby steps towards Carla, looking innocent and turns to face Dr. Kelso) And, you're there. Now, angry at Kelso.
J.D.: Bob, how dare you!

Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie. There's a reason I can't go the extra mile with patients. It's uh, something personal.
J.D.: You can confide in me.
Dr. Cox: I'm a good doctor.

Well, right after I got your test results back, I got on the horn with your dad. We started a phone tree, to find everyone. Now, there were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done.

Elliot: Oh my god I treated that girl in the free clinic. She was born without nipples.
J.D.: I knew there had to be something wrong with her. She's too perfect.
Elliot: I was kidding J.D., I have never seen her in my life... Kelly Ripa!
Dr. Cox: I told you it would catch on.
J.D.: I don't think it's that funny.

Turk: I may be sterile.
Carla: Oh honey, stay calm. Nobody knows but us.
J.D.: (Over watchie-talkie) You firing blanks, buddy?

J.D.: Are you nude right now?
Turk: Yeah! How'd you know?
J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude.
Turk: That's true.
Dr. Cox: It's not weird you know that at all.

Turk: Hey White Shadow.
J.D.: That's not my handle.
Turk: Hey Gizmo.

J.D.: I'm having a rough morning Brown Bear. How are you doing with your sterility?
Turk: Ahh... I can't really talk about that right now. I'm in an elevator.
J.D.: Not reading you Brown Bear. I repeat, are you still sterile?!
Laverne: This is so juicy that I feel dizzy.

J.D.: Wow.
Lisa: It's just so unfair!
Gloria: So unfair.
J.D.: It really is unfair you guys.

J.D.'s narration: People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith but I decided to stay above the fray. Then I changed my mind.
(J.D. joins a group of nurses in a circle)
J.D.: Can you believe those two?
Laverne: No I can't. All that carrying on in public.
Nurse: It's way too much.
J.D.: It's just too much. Sorry, I switched places so I could go again.

J.D.: ...you just gave me some good advice about how to deal about Elliot. Coocheecoochee coo!
Dr. Kelso: Can I fire him?
Dr. Cox: Sleep on it.

Scrubs Quotes

Dr. Kelso: Ahhh! Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?