Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie. There's a reason I can't go the extra mile with patients. It's uh, something personal.
J.D.: You can confide in me.
Dr. Cox: I'm a good doctor.

Elliot: Oh my god I treated that girl in the free clinic. She was born without nipples.
J.D.: I knew there had to be something wrong with her. She's too perfect.
Elliot: I was kidding J.D., I have never seen her in my life... Kelly Ripa!
Dr. Cox: I told you it would catch on.
J.D.: I don't think it's that funny.

Hear that, Perry? I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5,280 feet. What's that? That's right, it's a mile!

Dr. Cox: What the hell happened to the days when you used to listen to me?
J.D.: That was a long time ago. Maybe you should listen to me for once.
Dr. Cox: Not in this lifetime. Listen, Newbie, You're not a completely, terribly, horribly incompetent doctor, and while I would never let any of my blood relatives be your patient, and if it was someone that I knew - an acquaintance - I might be okay with you treating them.

J.D.: It's not like nurses know everything.
J.D.'s Narration: Uh oh. Carla's gearing up to explode. Save yourself. Attempt the casual side switch. (J.D. takes baby steps towards Carla, looking innocent and turns to face Dr. Kelso) And, you're there. Now, angry at Kelso.
J.D.: Bob, how dare you!

Carla: I swear Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D. are more of a couple than we are.
J.D.: (Over the walkie talkie) Tell her I've known you longer.

J.D.: Wow.
Lisa: It's just so unfair!
Gloria: So unfair.
J.D.: It really is unfair you guys.

J.D.: Mrs. Levin has dementia, Rex. And I know she loves sweets, so take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam, put it on your finger, dip it in her mouth. Hello!
J.D.'s narration: Rex would forever remember that morning as the time he lost his finger tip.

Turk: (To someone off camera) Alright, look. I know I said I wanted to go by myself to get tested today. But I've been doing some thinking andI'm scared. So it would mean a lot if you went with me.
J.D.: Of course, buddy.

J.D.: I'm having a rough morning Brown Bear. How are you doing with your sterility?
Turk: Ahh... I can't really talk about that right now. I'm in an elevator.
J.D.: Not reading you Brown Bear. I repeat, are you still sterile?!
Laverne: This is so juicy that I feel dizzy.

(At a sterility clinic) Excuse me, are any of the reading materials in there available for those of us out here?

Turk: Hey White Shadow.
J.D.: That's not my handle.
Turk: Hey Gizmo.

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: We found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples...
Ted: Why should they be happy!?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait, is she in to me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.
J.D.: Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena: That's really funny!
J.D.'s Narration: Well that's not a fair test - that joke's hilarious.