Tamara: Do I smell banana conditioner?
J.D.: That's one of my conditioners, yes.

I can't believe you all shaved your heads. How great, even Nana. And you don't look creepy or alien-like at all.

Turk: Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.
J.D.: Oh, that's Nana.

J.D.: Carla, can you cover my patients?
Dr. Kelso: She's already watching someone for me.
J.D.: Alright, I'll find somebody else.
Carla: Why, because I'm just a nurse I can't look after everybody?
Dr. Kelso: Precisely.

Hear that, Perry? I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5,280 feet. What's that? That's right, it's a mile!

Turk: Hey White Shadow.
J.D.: That's not my handle.
Turk: Hey Gizmo.

Carla: I swear Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D. are more of a couple than we are.
J.D.: (Over the walkie talkie) Tell her I've known you longer.

J.D.'s narration: People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith but I decided to stay above the fray. Then I changed my mind.
(J.D. joins a group of nurses in a circle)
J.D.: Can you believe those two?
Laverne: No I can't. All that carrying on in public.
Nurse: It's way too much.
J.D.: It's just too much. Sorry, I switched places so I could go again.

J.D.: Mrs. Levin has dementia, Rex. And I know she loves sweets, so take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam, put it on your finger, dip it in her mouth. Hello!
J.D.'s narration: Rex would forever remember that morning as the time he lost his finger tip.

J.D.: Are you nude right now?
Turk: Yeah! How'd you know?
J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude.
Turk: That's true.
Dr. Cox: It's not weird you know that at all.

Turk: You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself?
J.D.: Well, you are in luck. This happens to be my specialty. Here is a tip: If you can't get over the fact that you are doing it to yourself, sit on your arm until it falls asleep then pull it out and use that. I call it "The Stranger".
Turk: If I ever have kids, you are NEVER allowed to baby-sit them.

J.D.: I'm having a rough morning Brown Bear. How are you doing with your sterility?
Turk: Ahh... I can't really talk about that right now. I'm in an elevator.
J.D.: Not reading you Brown Bear. I repeat, are you still sterile?!
Laverne: This is so juicy that I feel dizzy.