Dr. Cox: How's that leukemia patient of yours doing?
J.D.: I'm hiding. I don't really want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't work for me. I think it would accentuate my spoon chest.

Tamara: Do I smell banana conditioner?
J.D.: That's one of my conditioners, yes.

Turk: Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.
J.D.: Oh, that's Nana.

J.D.'s Narration: The key is to be ready for it.
J.D.: I was not ready for this.
Larry: Since Carol is going to lose all of her hair in chemo, we decided to shave all of our heads now. He even agreed to do the cutting.
Dr. Cox: You're up next, there, big guy. I mean, come on. You're all in this together, right?

I can't believe you all shaved your heads. How great, even Nana. And you don't look creepy or alien-like at all.

Well, right after I got your test results back, I got on the horn with your dad. We started a phone tree, to find everyone. Now, there were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done.

J.D.: Look, all I'm saying is, it's important to go the extra mile with patients. It's like I was telling this girl last night...
(opens his cell phone and shows a picture to Dr. Cox)
Dr. Cox: Why would you tell her that?
J.D.: I didn't, I just wanted to show you who I'm going out with tonight.

J.D.'s Narration: Keith was shockingly good at pretending to like crappy presents. But you know what he was best at?
J.D.: Keith, we need more popcorn... yeah!
J.D.'s Narration: Being girl bait. Here's how it goes down. Keith comes back. Elliot marks her territory so that the girls knows he's taken. And I just pick off one of the smaller, weaker ones who come by for a look-see.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. I'm a landowner. Burt Reynolds is my father. I love sports.

J.D.: Sometimes you've got to go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor.
Dr. Cox: That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia.

J.D.: It's not like nurses know everything.
J.D.'s Narration: Uh oh. Carla's gearing up to explode. Save yourself. Attempt the casual side switch. (J.D. takes baby steps towards Carla, looking innocent and turns to face Dr. Kelso) And, you're there. Now, angry at Kelso.
J.D.: Bob, how dare you!

Hear that, Perry? I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5,280 feet. What's that? That's right, it's a mile!

J.D.: Why don't you just read lines with the old guy?
Dr. Cox: My job is to make sick people better. Not to help Bernie in there score a slice of Episcopalian tail on opening night.

Scrubs Quotes

Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Kudos on the nice pooper.
Ron: Thank you.
J.D.: Mine's firm like mutton.
Ron: Lovely.