Turk: I may be sterile.
Carla: Oh honey, stay calm. Nobody knows but us.
J.D.: (Over watchie-talkie) You firing blanks, buddy?

J.D.: Are you nude right now?
Turk: Yeah! How'd you know?
J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude.
Turk: That's true.
Dr. Cox: It's not weird you know that at all.

Turk: (To someone off camera) Alright, look. I know I said I wanted to go by myself to get tested today. But I've been doing some thinking andI'm scared. So it would mean a lot if you went with me.
J.D.: Of course, buddy.

Turk: Hey White Shadow.
J.D.: That's not my handle.
Turk: Hey Gizmo.

Turk: You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself?
J.D.: Well, you are in luck. This happens to be my specialty. Here is a tip: If you can't get over the fact that you are doing it to yourself, sit on your arm until it falls asleep then pull it out and use that. I call it "The Stranger".
Turk: If I ever have kids, you are NEVER allowed to baby-sit them.

(Dr. Cox and J.D. are holding onto the ceiling)
Dr. Cox: Pretty strong there, Newbie.
J.D.'s narration: (Yawns) I was not. But hopefully, the duct tape I used to connect my prosthetic arms was.
(They both fall and J.D.'s arms are still on the ceiling)
J.D.: Ow. (Takes arms)

Dr. Cox: (Entering room full with people) Ok, Lester! We are having this right here, right now! (Looks around) Oh, for the love of God, what is this? Some getting-in-touch-with-my-feelings-because-momma-didn't-love-me group?
J.D.: Yes, is that what is?
Dr. Hedrick: Actually...this is a support group for the terminally ill.

Dr. Cox: WE dont need any of your head shrinking.
J.D.'s narration: "We"! He said "we"! After all these years hes finally made us a team!
J.D.: Yeah, Hedrick! If it was up to us, WE would never even called you. WE can handle death just fine. WE might even be going into private practice together.
Dr. Cox: What!?
J.D.'s narration: Easy! That was not the time to discuss the Dorian-Cox clinic. Much less the relocation to Jacksonville.

J.D.: Oh...well...yeah...hmm...ok! Death is like a journey. A...a journey in a boat. Then this giant light shines down on your...your boat and carries you up to the Heavens.
Dr. Hedrick: That was the ending to "Cocoon"!

Carla: OK, I know how you can regain control of Keith.
Elliot: Carla, don't bother, booty call was for a while, but I am so sick of being this cold, emotionless bastard.
Dr. Cox: I never get sick and tired of that. It is awesome being that.
J.D.: We love it. (Puts arm on Dr. Cox's shoulder)
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: It's too much, I know.

Dr. Hedrick: Group, can you tell me what stage of grief Dr. Cox is going through?
Group: Anger.
Dr. Cox: You don't wanna see me angry.
J.D.: Nor do you wanna see me angry. (Imagines taking Hedrick's pencil and taking off the eraser with his mouth.) It's awful.

J.D.'s narration: I was in the Porsche, I had never made it into the Porsche. It smelled like German heaven. I wasn't going to blow this opportunity. I had to be careful about every little...hey a rootbeer.
Dr. Cox: Don't open that soda, it has been rolling around on the floor for months, it will explode.
J.D.: Apparently you're not familiar with the John Dorian three tap method. Three taps and the foam goes bye, bye.
(He taps the can three times and opens it)
J.D.: Works everytime.
(Soda explodes)
J.D.: The quickest way to my house is to take Elm.

Scrubs Quotes

Lady: Love your Hairmet.
J.D.: Love yours!

J.D.: Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.
Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're-
Turk picks her up and carries her off.
Carla: Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? I'm coming back for you!