Carla: I swear Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D. are more of a couple than we are.
J.D.: (Over the walkie talkie) Tell her I've known you longer.

Turk: I may be sterile.
Carla: Oh honey, stay calm. Nobody knows but us.
J.D.: (Over watchie-talkie) You firing blanks, buddy?

Turk: (To someone off camera) Alright, look. I know I said I wanted to go by myself to get tested today. But I've been doing some thinking andI'm scared. So it would mean a lot if you went with me.
J.D.: Of course, buddy.

J.D.: Wow.
Lisa: It's just so unfair!
Gloria: So unfair.
J.D.: It really is unfair you guys.

Turk: You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself?
J.D.: Well, you are in luck. This happens to be my specialty. Here is a tip: If you can't get over the fact that you are doing it to yourself, sit on your arm until it falls asleep then pull it out and use that. I call it "The Stranger".
Turk: If I ever have kids, you are NEVER allowed to baby-sit them.

(Dr. Cox and J.D. are holding onto the ceiling)
Dr. Cox: Pretty strong there, Newbie.
J.D.'s narration: (Yawns) I was not. But hopefully, the duct tape I used to connect my prosthetic arms was.
(They both fall and J.D.'s arms are still on the ceiling)
J.D.: Ow. (Takes arms)

Dr. Hedrick: Group, can you tell me what stage of grief Dr. Cox is going through?
Group: Anger.
Dr. Cox: You don't wanna see me angry.
J.D.: Nor do you wanna see me angry. (Imagines taking Hedrick's pencil and taking off the eraser with his mouth.) It's awful.

Dr. Cox: (Entering room full with people) Ok, Lester! We are having this right here, right now! (Looks around) Oh, for the love of God, what is this? Some getting-in-touch-with-my-feelings-because-momma-didn't-love-me group?
J.D.: Yes, is that what is?
Dr. Hedrick: Actually...this is a support group for the terminally ill.

J.D.: Oh...well...yeah...hmm...ok! Death is like a journey. A...a journey in a boat. Then this giant light shines down on your...your boat and carries you up to the Heavens.
Dr. Hedrick: That was the ending to "Cocoon"!

J.D.: Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Yeah newbie, what do ya got?
J.D.: That guy looks fantastic. What do you think he's dying of, a case of the handsomes?

Carla: OK, I know how you can regain control of Keith.
Elliot: Carla, don't bother, booty call was for a while, but I am so sick of being this cold, emotionless bastard.
Dr. Cox: I never get sick and tired of that. It is awesome being that.
J.D.: We love it. (Puts arm on Dr. Cox's shoulder)
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: It's too much, I know.

Dr. Cox: Oh, what are we still doing this, we have seen people in Mrs. Wilks' shape turn it around, right?
J.D.: She can totally turn it around.
Dr. Hedrick: Denial. Yeah... it's not uncommon for people close to the patient also going through the five stages of grief.
Dr. Cox: Is not denial, she could rally.
J.D.: Yeah, totally rally.
Dr. Hedrick: Oh, yeah, I mean look at her. She could be in a vitamin commercial.
Dr. Cox: How will you like to be in a broken jaw commercial?
Dr. Hedrick: Can't help me. I don't care if it does give me cancer, I just love this fake sugar. (Leaves)
Dr. Cox: If he keeps ignoring my threats...I'm gonna have to hit him.

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait, is she in to me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.
J.D.: Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena: That's really funny!
J.D.'s Narration: Well that's not a fair test - that joke's hilarious.

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?