I had this thing where I kept running into Michael Douglas, then I realized it was just some old lady who lives in my building.

Guardwell. Guard your well. Well.

If I wanted to see a black man make a fool of himself I'd have sex with K-Fed again.

Oh, your dentist gets drunk with you, too?

I always knew it would end one day. I just always thought it would be me in the trunk of a rental car.

Could a bad mom have raised a daughter who was engaged to a Congressman when she was 16?

Can I just tell you that I'm genuinely having fun right now?

To her I'm just a gorgeous, naturally blonde ATM.

Hi, I was told I'd get paid if I came here and danced while the Atlanta Hawks ate dinner.

Jack: She's done a complete 180.
Jenna: Even better, Jack. She made a full 360!

I'm sure she's down there, chain-smoking, sitting on the curb, waiting for me to come out. Just like the day I was born.

I didn't see her. Security called. She was trying to use an Oxycontin bottle as I.D.

30 Rock Quotes

We'll trick those race car-loving wide loads into loving your, watching your lefty homoerotic propaganda hour yet!


I wanna roll my eyes right now, but the doctor said if I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.