I had this thing where I kept running into Michael Douglas, then I realized it was just some old lady who lives in my building.

Guardwell. Guard your well. Well.

If I wanted to see a black man make a fool of himself I'd have sex with K-Fed again.

Oh, your dentist gets drunk with you, too?

I always knew it would end one day. I just always thought it would be me in the trunk of a rental car.

Could a bad mom have raised a daughter who was engaged to a Congressman when she was 16?

Can I just tell you that I'm genuinely having fun right now?

To her I'm just a gorgeous, naturally blonde ATM.

Hi, I was told I'd get paid if I came here and danced while the Atlanta Hawks ate dinner.

Jack: She's done a complete 180.
Jenna: Even better, Jack. She made a full 360!

I'm sure she's down there, chain-smoking, sitting on the curb, waiting for me to come out. Just like the day I was born.

I didn't see her. Security called. She was trying to use an Oxycontin bottle as I.D.

30 Rock Quotes

Why did you have to offend the gay community? It is the most organized of all the communities. They make the Japanese look like the Greeks.

Liz

Tracy: What is this, Horseville? Because I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!
Liz: That is solid.