Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXJoe Swanson Quotes
Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
Joe: Huh?
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
Joe: Ah.
Ya know Peter, my buddies and I have been lookin' for a new hangout. Our usual donut shop has gotten a little "Puerto-Ricanny", uh what if we made your place our new spot?
Joe: Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate.
(Cutaway to a guy driving on the interstate, he sees a moose holding a sign that says "Will do moose stuff for money")
Moose: Hey, can ya help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat.
Man: What's "Moose Stuff"?
Moose: Eh, whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with ya, or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake, and everything in between.
Man: Get in.
Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!
Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!
(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)
Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!
Cleveland: What does that even mean?
Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.
Joe: Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
Cleveland: A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.
(After Joe drives his ball onto the green) Peter: Hey Joe... Joe: Don't say it Peter. Peter: No. I was just wondering... Joe: Peter, I swear to God! Peter: What's your handicap? Joe: (yells while laughing) Every hole! That's a joke that doesn't get old!
Joe: I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbags, so rape.
(Peter uses a lighter to make a fire on Meg's head)
Joe: Hey, Meg don't be such a "hothead".
Meg: Huh?
Cleveland: Meg, you look "hot".
Meg: What?
Peter: Meg, I just lit your scalp on fire.
Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!
Peter: Alright Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing.
Joe: Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair, I need it to move.
Peter: Okay yeah, but your character can walk.
Joe: Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk.
Peter: Okay Chris, roll film. And, action! Joe, get outta the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod. (zaps Joe)
Joe: (While flying out of his chair) Ahhhhh!
Peter: Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talkin'.
OH YES!!! I slam it, you can suck it!
(After running over Joe with the tank)
Peter: Joe, my god what happened?
Joe: You just ran over me you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it!
Peter: Heheheh look at you, you look like a half-empty toothpaste.
