Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXJoe Swanson Quotes
Oh wow. Wow, if I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public, just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Shamus: If its gale force peein ya be doin, it could mean ya got barnacles on yer prostate. Best have sick bay check below yer decks.
Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Shamus: Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and your droppin' anchor without an order from the captain. (pauses) How are you liking all of these nautical puns?
Joe: Cute.
Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.
Peter: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to my fanny (Cries)
Cleavland: Peter it's okay.
Peter: No it's not okay, you don't know what it's like.
Cleavland: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
Peter: He did it to you too?
Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical slice guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig. With sexual experimentation.
Joe: You guys are a bunch of queers. (Joe rolls away, but then comes back) And so am I. Oh god, it was horrible. I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough.
Peter: Does he have maybe a thinner, hotter daughter?
Joe: Well, yes, but she's only 12.
Peter: Like a young 12 or a "she eats a lot of milk product so she got her boos early" 12? Which is a real thing by the way.
Search Party Leader: We're still very optimistic we're going to find these kids and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.
Joe: Alright, everyone. We are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses so let's get back out there bring back those dead bodies.
Tom: A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who they're gonna call?
Diane: (Sighs) Ghostbusters, Tom?
Tom: No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.
Peter: Between you and me I hear Joe's got a little free time these days. I hear he hasn't touched Bonnie in months
Joe: Peter, you just whispered that to me.
Joe: A lot of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed much.
Cleveland: Would you ever have one?
Joe: NEVER!
Peter: That jerk Opie got employee of the month again, all because my boss hates me.
Joe: Maybe you need to brown nose her a little bit Peter.
Quagmire: Really? I thought you said she was ugly...Oh-oh-oh you-you-you mean kiss up to her.
Peter: A-Team roll call; Face?
Quagmire: Here and handsome!
Peter: Murdoch?
Joe: Here, and... crazy!
Peter: B.A.?
Cleveland: I pity the fool! But also suggest ways he may better himself.
Peter: Alright fellas, we've been out her for months and we all know that men have certain needs. And being that there's no women around, we're going to have to have an orgy. [cuts to them naked in a pile] Uh, anybody horny?
Quagmire: No.
Cleveland: No.
Joe: No.
Peter: Me neither! And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate you enthusiasm but I think you should stop.
Joe: Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.
[cruise ship arrives]
Cruise Annnouncer: And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals (starts to speak Spanish). A la izquierdo del barco podemos ver los 'fanny bandits
Peter: Oh guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Lois is the only woman for me.
Joe: Well it sounds like you've gotta find a way to win her back.
Quagmire: Yeah, like, like we could get her drunk and take turns having sex with her.
Peter: How would that help me?
Quagmire: Oh, help you? Oh oh, yeah yeah, then no... no then, then that wouldn't help you.
