Favorite Kelly Kapoor Quotes
Ryan: Hey, quick question. Are you scared?
Michael: Never. About what? A little. What are you talking about?
Ryan: We heard about the punch.
Michael: What punch?
Kelly: Pam. She's gonna punch the crap out of your face after work.
Michael: I'm pretty sure we said slap.
Kelly: No. It's a punch. And Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now.
Ryan: I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Do you?
Michael: I... umm... I'm good.
Ryan: Alright. See you there.
I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.
Jim: What's up Kelly?
Kelly: Nothing, except Oh! Last night Ryan and I finally hooked up!
Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
[cut to interview]
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.
Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?
Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. Maybe he did it.
Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.
Kelly: [imitating Cookie Monster] My name is Kevin I'm an accountant. See? I did the voice!
Ryan: It's a little derivative.
Kelly: But parody's always derivative.
Ryan: It's not organic. Do you know what I mean?
Michael: I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours, two hours to go. Feeling good. Listen to some tunes. Should've peed before I left.
Kelly: Michael get to the good part.
Michael: Okay, so. I get up to the building, I get to the revolving door... broken! So I have to take the normal door.
Oscar: At least he is in the building.
Michael: No, No! I was so nervous it was the wrong building! I walked into the wrong building!
Kelly: So. I thought we could take the customer on a... Then. Then we could...
Jim: You realize you're not actually talking to me, right?
Kelly: And...
Charles: Hey Kelly?
Kelly: Yes? Charles, you wanted me?
Charles: Oh, I meant, I meant that Kelly. [new receptionist walks in]
Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the Internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.
Pam, you are a woman warrior.
