South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralFavorite Kenny McCormick Quotes
Hindsight: what is your power?
Kenny (as Mysterion): I can't die. I've experienced death countless times. Sometimes, I see a bright light. Sometimes, I see Heaven or Hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed wearing my same old clothes. The wort part? No one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone is just like "Oh, Hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You want to whine about Curses, Hindsight? You're talking to the wrong f**king cowboy.
Kenny: (muffled) Oh my god! They killed Cartman!
Kyle: No, we didn't kill him; he's still breathing!
Nurse: Hey, look who's here.
Kenny: Stan??
Woman: Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones.
Bob: We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Ms. McCormick: Oh, Kenny isn't that nice?
Kenny: The Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Laura: We travel the country giving special little boys and girls like you their biggest wish.
Kyle: Neat, huh Kenny?
Kenny: Yes.
Laura: So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, what would it be?
Bob: What's your wish, pal?
Kenny: I guess the only thing I wish is to not die.
Laura: What did he say?
Kyle: He said his wish is not to die.
Laura: Okay, and, what if you're gonna have two wishes. What would the second one be?
Bob: I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
(Kenny says something)
Bob: W-what was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore, who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent, she thinks she can play guitar and she should go f*** herself.
Madonna: Should I come in now?
Bob: Uh, no not quite yet.
Sister Anne: Now, let me explain how Communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker, and he will say, "The Body of Christ," and then you eat it.
Cartman: Jesus was made of crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: What?!
Sister Anne: In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, "eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So we won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: Nononono!
Butters: Uh-well, uh-what are we eatin' then?
Sister Anne: The Body of Christ!
Stan: Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No??
Butters: Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
Kenny, Stan, Cartman: O-kay.
Kyle: My parents said I can't go.
Stan: Well of course your parents said you can't go.
Cartman: Dummy, you don't ask if you can go! I'm telling my parents that I'm staying at Stan's house, Stan's telling his parents he's staying at Kenny's house, and Kenny's not telling his parents anything cause they're alcoholics and they don't care!
Kenny: (muffled) Yeah!
Kyle: Oh, well now I already told them.
Cartman: Well I guess you're screwed then.
(to Kenny, who's eating a bowl of mints)
Kyle: Look, Kenny, I know your family's poor, but you cant just eat a bowl of mints for dinner...
Kenny: (Muffled) Well, f**k you.(Flips Kyle off)
Stan: Good job Cartman, You killed Kyle.
Kenny: (muffled) You bastard!
Cartman: He shouldn't have called me fat.
Stan: Why the hell not, that's like calling the sky blue.
(saying grace) Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know you will send us some good fortune, one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen.
Mr. McCormick
Dr. Doctor: We must split up into two teams: Team A and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny. Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct. Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B, remember that's you Kenny, should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors here. Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this window of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?
Cartman: No, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
Dr. Doctor: Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
Kenny: (muffled) Huh?
Dr. Doctor: Team B? Come in, Team B.
Kenny: (muffled) This is Team B.
Dr. Doctor: Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it. So you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
Kenny: (muffled) Are you f*cking telling me that I could've f*cking gone that way?!
Dr. Doctor: Oh. Well, forget I said that, then.
Kyle: Alright, Cartman, what's so important that you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?
Cartman: Oh, you guys, you're not gonna believe it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Guess what I have, sitting in my backyard.
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: (muffled) A football machine?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: Well, what, Cartman?
Cartman: Thirty-three aborted fetuses. (Stan,Kyle and Kenny look at him blankly) Oh yes.
Kyle: (closes his eyes) What?!
Cartman: Mint-condition, tax-free.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?
Kyle: I'm leaving, right now.
Cartman: Well, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle.
Kyle: You've never watched the news, fat-ass! What the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Cartman: Stem-cells, numb-nuts.
Stan: Stem-cells?
Kyle: Oh, and what do you know about stem-cells?
Kenny(muffled): What the f--k are stem-cells?
Kyle: They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research shows that they could be used to treat diseases.
Cartman: It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 321 contact, and with all the research that's going on, stem-cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my backyard, is an aborted treasure chest.
Kyle: I hate you, so much.
Chef: I'm very proud of you, children. Let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to.
Stan: Yeah, and Kenny didn't die!
Kenny: (muffled) Yeah, and I didn't die- (pukes out his intestines and dies)
Stan: Holy sh- I mean, poop.
Kyle: Yeah. Poop.
Cartman: I love you guys...
