Lily: Marshall, your insurance doesn't kick in till tomorrow.
Marshall: Yeah well you know what? Life kicks in right now!

Lily: Yellow like the son.
Marshall: Or daughter, ooh pun snuggle.

Lily: I am going to have to walk this earth knowing that Barney has touched my boobs.
Robin: Yeah it stays with yah. His email reminders don't help.

Lily: Terms, if you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off I will let you touch one boob.
Barney: Both boobs!
Lily: Just one.
Barney: Touch and squeeze.
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: Touch and motor boat.
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: Honka honka?
Lily: Barney...
Barney: Just touch
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: For one hour.
Lily: For one second.
Barney: Twenty minutes both boobs.
Lily: Thirty seconds one boob.
Barney: Four minutes, both boobs, three squeezes.
Lily: One minute, both boobs, one squeeze.
Barney: Deal!

Robin: Lily what on Earth is going on with your cans?
Lily: Oh these old thangs? I got my pregnancy boobs!

Lily: Wait a minute. You're going to date two girls at once? Don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious?
Ted: Define serious.
Lily: Well that's complicated. I guess you have to weigh expectations, emotional investments...
Marshall: Third base, serious at third base.

Marshall: There's babies everywhere. It's like a minefield of cuteness. Look at this little bastard.
Lily: This sonofabitch has knee dimples! Let's go tell everyone I'm pregnant!

Lily: You're drinking for two tonight baby.
Marshall: I will do this, for the child.

Yeah I wasn't listening either. Ted can really go on about a bitch.

Hey I dare you guys to dare us to make out.

Excuse me waitress? I'll have a mojito and you'll have a no seat ho!

Ted: How's the open marriage going? Who was the first to get to five numbers?
Lily: I won that race. My prize, sex in the bathroom.
Marshall: And I won that race!