The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXLisa Simpson Quotes
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!!!!
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No! No! No! NOOO! If I take you will you two shut up and quit bugging me!
Lisa: Yeah of course!
Bart: Well?
Bart/Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: YES!
Bart/Lisa: Thanks, dad!
Grampa: Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you deserve all that money?
Lisa: I don't deserve it, Grampa. No one here does. The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums. They're little children who need more library books and families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really wanted to, you could buy me a pony.
Grampa: You're right!
Lisa: I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!
Bart: Ya know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: Nuh-uh. He smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Marge: Homer, that's terrible! We should be teaching the children to treasure the elderly. You know, we'll be old someday.
Homer: (Gasps) My God, you're right, Marge! You kids won't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would ya?
Bart: Well
Homer: (Screams) Marge, what do we do!?
(Marge, Lisa and Homer discover what Santa's Little Helper has done.)
Marge and Lisa: (Scream in unison)
Marge: My quilt! Six generations, ruined! (Sobs)
Homer: (Consoles Marge) Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--
(Homer sees the remains of his cookie.)
Homer: (Screams) My cookie! (Sobs hysterically) Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening!
(At the breakfast table, Bart notices that Lisa isn't dressed for school.)
Bart: No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine. Then--Wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school. But then, Lisa stays home, so I stay home. So, Lisa goes to school.
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
(Lisa is sick and Bart delivers her homework after school.)
Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
(Bart hands Lisa her homework.)
Lisa: Ooh! (Shuffling through the papers.) Phonics, functions, vocabulary--Remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
Bart: D'oh!
(Lisa pleads her case to keep Santa's Little Helper.)
Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love, is to throw it away?
Homer: (Sniffling) Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey. (Hugs Lisa)
(Bart and Lisa bicker at the dinner table.)
Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Dad!
Homer: Not one word!
(Bart and Lisa trade insults via sign language and giggle at each other.)
Homer: I thought I said knock it off.
Lisa: We didn't say anything.
Bart: Not one word.
Homer: Well, no "pantomomine" either.
(Grandpa explains the story of Herb's conception to Homer.)
Grandpa: It all happened when I was courting your mother.
(Flash back to a younger Grandpa at a carnival.)
Grandpa: (Narrating) I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her.
Woman: (To Grandpa) Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
Grandpa: (Narrating) She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town, and she had a little surprise for me.
(The woman shows Grandpa baby Herb.)
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage, and I never saw him again.
(Flash back to Grandpa at his wedding)
Grandpa: (Narrating) A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
(Flash forward to Homer's mother after the delivery.)
Mother Simpson: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that-that carnival incident.
Grandpa: Okay.
Mother Simpson: Promise you won't tell him.
Grandpa: I promise.
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: (Yells) Just a little further!
Marge: Bart, Lisa, if you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But, Marge, I want to see my brother.
Marge: Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
Homer: Oh.
(Homer introduces his kids to Herb.)
Herb: So, Lisa, are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about?
Lisa: No, sir. I can assure I'm not.
Bart: (Proudly) I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.
Marge: Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?
Herb: Oh, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Homer: (Holding Maggie in one arm.) Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch! (Tosses Maggie over to Herb.)
Herb: Oh! (Catches Maggie in his arms and smells her.) God, that new baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: (In awe) I feel the same about you.
(Marge and the kids come home from shopping.)
Homer: Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Cable!?
(The kids excitedly clamour in front of the TV.)
Homer: That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, (To Marge) VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming, every day!
Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?
Homer: (Chuckles) Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
Marge: Mmm. Are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this.
(Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So, You've Decided To Steal Cable.")
Marge: (Reads from pamphlet) "Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less, and are repeated ad nauseam." Hmm. I don't know.
Homer: (Enticingly) Marge.
(Homer turns the channel.)
Woman Announcer: Hear Me Roar, the network for women.
Woman TV Host: In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid bill in half by making your own band-aids.
Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
