The Simpsons

Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The simpsons
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Lisa: Go ahead, I don't think I'd be very good company.
Homer: Thanks for the heads up, we'll see you when we see you!

Lisa: Moe marginalized my contributions!
(Homer and Bart gasp. Lisa runs away sobbing.)
Homer: No one makes my daughter sob and run!
Bart: He ruined her first Wordloaf!

Lisa: (gasps) It's Tom Wolfe! He uses more exclamation points than any other major American writer.
Tom Wolfe: It's true!!!!!

Lisa: You're a heartless jerk!
Moe: Where did that come from? Oh, right, my actions.

Golem: I feel so guilty! I've mangled and maimed 37 people and I told a telemarketer I was busy when I wasn't! I'm not a good man.
Lisa: He sure is neurotic for a monster.

(In "Married to the Blob," a meteorite crashes in the Simpson family back yard and splits open, revealing a glowing green goo.)
Homer: Whoo! A space marshmallow!
(Homer plucks the goo with a stick and tries to eat the goo, which keeps trying to avoid Homer's mouth.)
Homer: Uh? Where do you think you're going?
Lisa: Dad, no! It could teach us the secret of interstellar travel.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he can't stay out of my mouth?
(The goo struggles in Homer's mouth before finally being swallowed.)
Marge: How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from.
Homer: Marge, I ate it. It's over.
(The goo tries to seep out of Homer's nose.)
Homer: Whoa! Oh, no, you don't!
(A determined Homer repeatedly snorts the goo back into his nose.)
Homer: If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!

(A depressed Homer watches as his scaled down model of "The Zoominator" roller coaster crumbles and burns.)
Lisa: Dad, here's a thought. If you just gave Mom credit, maybe she could help you.
Homer: Sweetie, you don't understand. If I can do this myself, then all those lies I told will be true. Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?
Lisa: I'd like a daddy who lived in the real world!
Homer: To Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.

(Marge goes on a carpentry binge, and builds all sorts of things.)
Lisa: Wow, Mom, you made all this?
Bart: It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry!
Marge: Aww, what sweet blasphemy.

(The Simpson family arrives at the Springfield Mall.)
Lisa: This place is lookin' a little run down.
Bart: Yeah, hasn't been the same since they murdered the Mayor's dad here.

All I wanted was to save those animals while Bart became a drummer, but I never thought the two stories would intersect!

Defonzo 'Skinny' Palmer: We were about to play a quick set and we were wondering if you
Lisa: Yes?
Defonzo 'Skinny' Palmer: Lisa Simpson
Lisa: Yes?
Defonzo 'Skinny' Palmer: Would do us the honor
Lisa: Yes!
Defonzo 'Skinny' Palmer: Of sitting in(Lisa gasps) that chair in the audience. We wanna jam with your brother.

Bart: I need you to teach me all about the world of juzz.
Lisa: It's jazz! Jazz! You don't even know the name of the thing you're stealing from me!

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 446 in total

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Wow, now I see why they call you Miss Hoover. You must have been vacuuming for an hour.

Bart