The Simpsons

Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The simpsons
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Marge: A carnival? What's so romantic about this?
Lisa: Bye!
Bart: See you later!
(Bart and Lisa run off into the carnival.)
Homer: For the next two hours, we'll be kid-free. It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall.
(Homer and Marge chuckle.)
Homer: That was the best Christmas ever.

Marge: There is a part of our past that we haven't told you kids about. A turbulent part.
Bart: Come on. More turbulent than now?
Lisa: We're in every kind of therapy!
Homer: Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the 1990's.
Bart: The '90s? Never heard of it.

Lisa: Mom! I didn't know you went to college!
Bart: Yeah, you always said that after high school, Dad blessed you with the unplanned miracle of me!

(The family watches a commercial for a new restaurant.)
Wes Doobner: Howdy, folks! Are tired of family arguments over where to go for dinner?
Homer: Sometimes I think about gettin' on a bus and never comin' back.
Wes Doobner: Why not try Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts? The rib joint with somethin' for everyone!
Homer: Good luck with my finicky appetite!
Wes Doobner: We've got ribs--
Homer: Sold!
Wes Doobner: Plain noodles.
(Marge sighs.)
Wes Doobner: With butter.
Marge: Yowza!
Wes Doobner: Texas tofu!
Lisa: Yummy, yumma!
Wes Doobner: And the easiest place mat puzzle in the state.
Bart: Let me at it!

Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on!(turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally) This time I've made no mistakes.
Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the immortal bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover." (leaves and shuts the door)
Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
Sideshow Bob: (re-enters) I shall! (takes the laptop) Come on, Wikipedia. Load, you unwieldy behemoth! laptop explodes Oh, dear. Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard."
Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard."
Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.

(Lisa explains how she figured out Sideshow Bob's scheme on the way to save Bart at the funeral home.)
Lisa: Bob planned this from the beginning.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: He wanted to be captured at the restaurant.
Homer: Yes.
Lisa: He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong.
Homer: No.
Lisa: His mother was a Shakespearian actress.
Homer: Oh, yeeh!
Lisa: His father was a doctor.
Homer: A doctor, huh?
Lisa: So when Bob collaspsed in the courtroom...
Homer I remember.
Lisa: ...his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It was a diabolical scheme and every member of his family played a part!
Homer: Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home for 10 minutes.
Lisa: (Begrudgingly) Yes.

Lisa: I really identified with the girls in Ghost World. They made me feel like I wasn't so alone.
Dan Clowes: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you know anyone at Batman? 'Cause I really want to draw Batman, I'm awesome at utility belts. (points to a picture of a utility belt.)
Dan Clowes: Check these out. This is where the Batman keeps his money in case he has to take the bus.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: I can't believe that an alien who looked so evil turned out to be bad.
Marge: Hmm, I guess you should judge a book by its cover.
Secret Agent: Definitely! Especially if you count the inside flap as part of the cover, it usually gives you a great idea of what the book's about.

Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom. We'll help you surf.
(Marge sits down at the computer, grabs the mouse and starts clicking away.)
Bart: Click that one, Mom.
Lisa: No, go up.
Bart Keep going--up, up, up!
Lisa: The blue ones are ads.
Bart: That's the toolbar.
Lisa: No you've opened Word; close it!
Bart: Close it. Do-don't save it!
Lisa: Stop clicking.
Bart: Don't go there!
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?!
Bart: Don't click the cart or you've bought it!
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!
Marge: (Upset) If you're so smart, you do it!
(Bart pushes one button and finds a baby website; Marge groans.)

Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.

(In the dressing room after Homer's first performance.)
Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer (Worried) Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no. It's a good thing.
Homer: (Relieved) Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't till next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

(Homer arrives home after his first day on the "new" job.)
Marge: So, how was your first day at your new job?
Homer: Oh, it was great! Flew to Tulsa on the company jet. Did my job in a way consistent with I what I already told you. (Nervously) Because that's what you do... when you have a job.
Lisa: I'm so proud of you, Dad!
Homer: Stop peppering me with questions!

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 446 in total

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Wow, now I see why they call you Miss Hoover. You must have been vacuuming for an hour.

Bart