Peter: She ain't what she used to be. Once you get those pants off it's like two sagging breast hams and a slice of pizza.
Lois: Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific.

• Permalink: She ain't what she used to be. Once you get those pants off it'...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you. Once again you've brought our family to the edge of the abyss and at the very last minute you saved us all. I love you, honey.
Peter: And I've grown fond of you, Lois. Let's go home.

• Permalink: Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you. Once again you've brought our fa...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Peter, its seven in the morning!
Brian: Thanks for the update Big Ben.
[Brian and Peter Laugh]
Lois: You're drunk again!
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted from bein' up all night drinkin'.
Lois: Listen, Peter, if you keep this up something terrible's gonna happen.
Peter: Somethin' terrible... all the way to the bank!
Brian: Nice

• Permalink: Peter, its seven in the morning! Thanks for the update Big Ben...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(after arriving at the resort) Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys. You know, the over privileged drunk ones, not the socially responsible dead ones.

• Permalink: Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys. You k...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

It's like I always tell the kids, a quitter never wins and don't trust whitie

• Permalink: It's like I always tell the kids, a quitter never wins and don't...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner

• Permalink: I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Of course a man ma...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois [on the phone with her father]: Daddy? It's me, Lois.
Carter: Oh hello, pumpkin. Did I miss your piano recital?
Lois: No Daddy, I'm in my forties.
Carter: Oh God!

• Permalink: Daddy? It's me, Lois. Oh hello, pumpkin. Did I miss your piano...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Keep it up Lois and I might fire you.
Lois: You wouldn't.
Peter: Does the name, Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?
Lois: Okay, I'll behave.
Peter: Yes, you will.

• Permalink: Keep it up Lois and I might fire you. You wouldn't. Does the...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Peter, why are you staring into the dryer?
Peter: I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See? Now those are Chris' socks, right? They don't know that Stewie's shirt is having an affair with Meg's trousers. It's fun to watch rich people be naughty!

• Permalink: Peter, why are you staring into the dryer? I'm watching the la...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Uhh... we're playing House.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's House

• Permalink: What's going on down here? Uhh... we're playing House. That ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about?
Peter: Gordon?

• Permalink: Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking ab...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell!

• Permalink: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? Why don't you bu...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0