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I'm freaking out, is there a chance I won't be able to have kids? I've been hit in the nuts a lot.

Lily: We're doing it a lot.
Marshall: And everywhere. The kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your waiting - the kitchen.

Marshall: Nursery is painted!
Lily: Blue? What if it's a girl?
Marshall: Damnit!

Hey can I ask you a question that has plagued me for years? Can girls aim?

Marshall: Are you sure you did it right?
Lily: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?

Robin: I'm so sorry, you must think I'm totally disgusting.
Marshall: I totally do.

Marshall: Did you catch the game last night?
Robin: Yeah, nail biter.

Robin: Hey Captain, quick question. What do you think about the Jonas Brothers?
Marshall [covering the right half of the Captain's face]: He hates that he loves them.

Ted: A-ha! When a second uterus plumped becomes...
Marshall: Dude.. feel the room.

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