The only person who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!

Lily: You're drinking for two tonight baby.
Marshall: I will do this, for the child.

Can I borrow an adult diaper?

A man can do a lot of living in three hours.

I don't know, homegirl is pretty diabolical.

Ted: How's the open marriage going? Who was the first to get to five numbers?
Lily: I won that race. My prize, sex in the bathroom.
Marshall: And I won that race!

Marshall: Game on! If I can score five numbers before you can, then we have sex in the bathroom but, if you can score five numbers before me, then we have sex in the bathroom.
Lily: So our usual wager. Deal!

No Barney, I'm never going to talk to my dad again.

Lily, at our apartment, you're the one who pees on the floor.

Marshall: You got nothing on me.
Barney: The calzone?
Marshall: Checkmate.

Marshall: I don't care if the dishes are done, if you care, you do it!
Lily: Well I don't care if you have an orgasms, if you care, you do it!

Aw look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and thinking you're playing with the big boy is adorable... Son, I've been in a relathionship since you had a ponytail and you were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio, I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub at one hand and, brew a kick-ass pot of camomile on the other that would make you weap. Hell, I've forgoten more about microwaving fat-free pop-corn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever now but, thanks for your concern rook.

HIMYM Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things...we're done here.

Ted