Mom I hate to be that guy, but I'm pretty sure it was hot pocket o'clock like ten minutes ago.

Lily: We hate Ted now. Get on board or the sexting stops!
Marshall: Ted's a son of a bitch!

I really, really, love you guys. Now I'm gonna go drop a deuce.

Crocodile Dundee Three is the second best of the Croc trilogies, so maybe I can live with that.

My sperm is fine!

Marshall: Tell him that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? I don't even know how to have that conversation.
Barney: I'll show you. Dad, uh there's something I need to tell you. It's going to come as a bit of a shock. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri County Laser Tag Co Champion.

I'm freaking out, is there a chance I won't be able to have kids? I've been hit in the nuts a lot.

Lily: We're doing it a lot.
Marshall: And everywhere. The kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your waiting - the kitchen.

Marshall: Nursery is painted!
Lily: Blue? What if it's a girl?
Marshall: Damnit!

Hey can I ask you a question that has plagued me for years? Can girls aim?

Marshall: Are you sure you did it right?
Lily: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?

Robin: I'm so sorry, you must think I'm totally disgusting.
Marshall: I totally do.

HIMYM Quotes

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Barney

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney