Gob: I'm gonna be busy this weekend being a Judge Pageant.
Narrator: Gob has been a Judge Pageant for years.
Gob: Can you believe what it does to your sex life?
Michael: I don't wanna hear it.
Gob: I don't wanna say it. First place, chick's hot, but has an attitude: doesn't date magicians. Second place, is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl or a geologist. But third of all, although a little bit plain, her super low self-esteem. So I step in and lay her 'crown' upon my sweet 'head'.
Michael: Have I missed this euphemism?

Michael: I'm not going to lie to your son.
Gob: Come on! I lie to yours all the time.

Michael: (about Steve Holt) Your son?
Gob: According to him.
Michael: And a DNA test.
Gob: I heard the jury's still out on science.

(Talking before a beauty pageant)
Ann: I could sing to the camel!
Tobias: Yes, we can Google some disco songs with the word 'hump' in them.
Ann: Cute.
George Michael: No, that sounds a bit racy.
Tobias: Okay, he may be afraid of sex but you're not going to win without it.
George Michael: No, I'm not afraid of sex.
Tobias: Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it. Go. Get in there, have some sex with her right now.

Tobias: She's a girl, I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen.
Michael: Yeah, I think you just did.

Michael: I was thinking you and I should maybe go play a little catch. You know, maybe go for a run, do some guy stuff.
George Michael: But we're not good at that stuff.

Maeby: Don't you see? I drugged him not to go all the way with him.
George Michael: Well, I think even the anti-drug people are going to be okay with that.

Michael: It's been a week, nothing's happened.
Larry, the Surrogate: Yeah, but you're not the one stuck under house arrest like a sitting duck.
Michael: Oh yeah, that's my father. That's why we're having the meeting here, so he couldn't interfere.
Larry, the Surrogate: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I'm sorry, have we met?

Michael: You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey, that's the name of the show.

Michael: If you're really lonely, maybe it's time you went out there and you got yourself a girlfr.. a pet.
Buster: How about a turtle?
Michael: Great.
Buster: I've always loved those leathery little snappy faces.
Michael: You certainly have a type.

Michael: I -- I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me? I -- I will pay you.
Rita: ... You'll pay me?
Michael: Not ... Not for sex. You're gonna think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes, or ...
Rita: I'm not a prostitute.
Michael: And I shall let you live ... haha. This is my worst hello.

Michael: Pre-schools just go half-day, right? And I'm not trying to pick you up, but is there any way that I can, I can come by, pick you up, and bring you here?
Rita: Yeah, I, um, I suppose I could sneak out at nap time.
Michael: Yes? Perfect, great. And I shall drop you off alive, hooker or no. (mouths 'What is wrong with me?' as he walks off)

Arrested Development Quotes

Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh ... Wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
Gob: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How's that? Is that better?
Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.

Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.