Gob: I'm gonna be busy this weekend being a Judge Pageant.
Narrator: Gob has been a Judge Pageant for years.
Gob: Can you believe what it does to your sex life?
Michael: I don't wanna hear it.
Gob: I don't wanna say it. First place, chick's hot, but has an attitude: doesn't date magicians. Second place, is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl or a geologist. But third of all, although a little bit plain, her super low self-esteem. So I step in and lay her 'crown' upon my sweet 'head'.
Michael: Have I missed this euphemism?

Michael: I'm not going to lie to your son.
Gob: Come on! I lie to yours all the time.

Michael: (about Steve Holt) Your son?
Gob: According to him.
Michael: And a DNA test.
Gob: I heard the jury's still out on science.

(Talking before a beauty pageant)
Ann: I could sing to the camel!
Tobias: Yes, we can Google some disco songs with the word 'hump' in them.
Ann: Cute.
George Michael: No, that sounds a bit racy.
Tobias: Okay, he may be afraid of sex but you're not going to win without it.
George Michael: No, I'm not afraid of sex.
Tobias: Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it. Go. Get in there, have some sex with her right now.

Tobias: She's a girl, I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen.
Michael: Yeah, I think you just did.

Michael: I was thinking you and I should maybe go play a little catch. You know, maybe go for a run, do some guy stuff.
George Michael: But we're not good at that stuff.

Maeby: Don't you see? I drugged him not to go all the way with him.
George Michael: Well, I think even the anti-drug people are going to be okay with that.

Michael: It's been a week, nothing's happened.
Larry, the Surrogate: Yeah, but you're not the one stuck under house arrest like a sitting duck.
Michael: Oh yeah, that's my father. That's why we're having the meeting here, so he couldn't interfere.
Larry, the Surrogate: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I'm sorry, have we met?

Michael: You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey, that's the name of the show.

Michael: If you're really lonely, maybe it's time you went out there and you got yourself a girlfr.. a pet.
Buster: How about a turtle?
Michael: Great.
Buster: I've always loved those leathery little snappy faces.
Michael: You certainly have a type.

Michael: I -- I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me? I -- I will pay you.
Rita: ... You'll pay me?
Michael: Not ... Not for sex. You're gonna think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes, or ...
Rita: I'm not a prostitute.
Michael: And I shall let you live ... haha. This is my worst hello.

Michael: Pre-schools just go half-day, right? And I'm not trying to pick you up, but is there any way that I can, I can come by, pick you up, and bring you here?
Rita: Yeah, I, um, I suppose I could sneak out at nap time.
Michael: Yes? Perfect, great. And I shall drop you off alive, hooker or no. (mouths 'What is wrong with me?' as he walks off)

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 491 in total

Arrested Development Quotes

Oh, mercy me! I forgot that we were in the colonies.

Mrs. Featherbottom

(holding stuffed animals) These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing. Now if you'll excuse me, they're putting me in something called Hero Squad.

Buster
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