Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond. Then he'd have to put on my suit. And it'd be too short. And he'd look... dammit he'd still look good.• Show: The Office • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Michael: Welcome children of the Scranton industrial park community! Join your gangster pumpkin on his pallet truck of doom!
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: Jim's a good kid, he can handle a lot. But sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh ... Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright? It is the easy way out. You are not alone. [gives the thumbs up]
Darryl: What the hell is wrong with you?
Michael: Who wants candy?
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a koi pond?
Jim: Mmmmm... it's like Michael said, it was, um... something else.
Michael: It was ... okay, this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who put a fish tank in the ground with no cover, and no railing.
Angela: So you fell in.
Michael: No, maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela: So a child had fallen in?
Michael: Not yet.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: Any messages?
Erin: You're soaking wet.
Michael: Jim and I got caught in a little flash... rain. Flash winds, flash lightning.
Phyllis: Wow. Sounds scary.
Michael: It was. It was. And then in an instant, it wasn't!
Angela: Why isn't Jim wet?
Jim: I... outran it.
Meredith: I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Michael: It rained.
Dwight: Michael, can I get you something? A towel, some cocoa?
Michael Scott: Nothing. Cocoa.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Creed: Hey Boss. Did you "Find Nemo"?
Michael: I could name Pixar movies too. Toy Story!
Oscar: Don't you mean, Coy Story?
Phyllis: And when you fell in, did you Flounder?
Dwight: Michael, a flounder is both a kind of fish-
Michael: I know what a flounder is!
• Show: The Office • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Stanley: Michael don't listen to them.
Michael: Thank you Stanley.
Stanley: You just ignore their carping.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They're mocking you with wordplay.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Erin: Uh, David Wallace called.
Michael: Oh he did, what did he say?
Erin: He heard you made a big splash, at the meeting, oh my God that was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith that put me up to it.
Kevin: I'm gonna kill you.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: [on cellphone] No, I'll talk to her. No, nobody talks to my baby that way. Yeah I'll let you know how it goes. Alright. Bye, Pickle. [hangs up] Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Total Quotes: 806
