C'mon does Gloria really look like the kind of woman who would run a brothel? Yeah I better go with her.

Cam: You know what we don't have in this family? Two supportive loving fathers.
Mitchell: I'm just saying she's five.
Cam: And you never let her forget it.

Cam: Well obviously the tooth fairy made a mistake.
Mitchell: Maybe it's cause the tooth fairy had a little too much chardonnay last night.

Easy Duchess, it's just one room, not Gosford Park.

Cam: I knew when I was 5.
Mitchell: Everyone knew when you were 5.

Lily: But Daddy he's really good.
Mitchell: I'm really good too.
Lily: But it's a sport.

I had a pretty good hat run, but then I saw a photo of myself in a dude ranch. I looked like Reba at the Grammys.

I don't wanna meet anything on Monday that I'm gonna eat on Friday.

We've had my dad's baby 45 minutes and he's already in a dress.

Mitchell: Suck it Nancy!
Pepper: I was just trying to help.

Cam: Everyone here is 11 and I'm hot.
Mitchell: If you were hot we'd be drinking right now.

You could pretend to get sick at the table. You know cough, stomachache, dealer's choice, I don't care just sell it.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cameron: If I wasn't in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, Auguste, a whiteface, and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo.
Mitchell: Between the clowning and the fishing, I'm surprised you had time for the schooling. Aww, there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp.. so there's still only four types.