I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.

Cam: Do you have a better idea, you're the one who lost it!
Mitchell: No, you tossed it. You tossed it, lost it.

Knock it off old man!

Mitchell: I know how important winning is to Claire.
Cam: And I love to festoon things.

Mitchell: Oh my God, there's Sandy.
Cam: Sandra Bullock?
Mitchell: Yeah we're such good friends, I just call her Sandy.

A month after the most devastating twister to ever hit Cam's hometown, I throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado.

Okay birthday boy, what's it gonna be, rom-com or horror? Or we could do both and watch Maid in Manhattan.

Cam: I'm playing a drinking game. It's called everytime I feel depressed about something, I take a drink.
Mitchell: That's already a game. It's called alcoholism.

And what are we supposed to tell the baby? Say hi to your Aunt Mommy!

Cam: It's kind of like a first date.
Mitchell: Actually it's the opposite of the first date. You don't want to have sex, but you do want a baby.

Claire is like the son my dad always wanted. He just wanted someone to throw a ball in the backyard, I did once but he did not attend.

I'm so glad I spoke to Alex because she agreed with every single thing that I was saying...which made me realize that I was acting like a 14-year-old girl.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.