Cam: Are you excited for your big sleepover with your cousins?
Lily: Who's watching me?
Cam: Haley.
Lily: I'm serious.
Mitchell: Alex.
Lily: Okay let's go.

How're you gonna cheerlead your way out of this one Buffy?

Cam: I'm a doer and an action taker. Sean Penn would play me in a movie about this. Or Anne Hathaway if they wanted a female driven vehicle.
Mitchell: And who would play your long suffering partner?
Cam: Julianne Moore either way.
Mitchell: I would totally see that. I would.

Alex: I know what you think about Michael, mom. You didn't have to bring your big gay guns in to back you up. No offense.
Mitchell: None taken.
Cam: I kinda like it.

Cam: When I was young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell: You're kinda proud of it, you work it into a lot of conversations.

Hey Cam, I heard a rumor that you keep flashing our guests.

So what you're saying is you have a child shaped hole in your heart and you wanna stuff a cat into it.

Mitchell: I think I'm laying on a rock.
Cam: I'm laying next to mine.

How cool would it be if you turned into Wonder Woman right now?

You can't get fired from a favor!

I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.

Cam: Do you have a better idea, you're the one who lost it!
Mitchell: No, you tossed it. You tossed it, lost it.