Cam has this theory that if he were straight and Julia Roberts were single, they would be dating.

Claire: Alright ladies. Go home, roll up your hair and clap off the lights because this guy, who I just met, is gonna show me a good time.
Mitchell: If he was straight this would be just like high school.

I don't know about you but I've got about five minutes of fabulous left.

Fine I'll see you in jail! It's gonna be a big adjustment for two of you.

For the record, I am not a neat freak. In fact in my first long term relationship I was the messy one, which is why she broke up with me...well...

Let's face it a well fed Cam is hardly a model of emotional stability; now deprive him of food and stage by stage it's a slow descent into madness.

You know I'm gonna check the lease, but I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to have a meth lab.

Mitchell: The attic? Why?
Luke: At least it's big. Grandpa said you used to live in a closet.

There are very few parenting issues where I come out on top. I'm distant, I work too much, my french braiding is sloppy. Finally something that's not my fault!

I realized if I was gonna raise a boy, I was gonna have to butch up my life. I wanted to be able to teach all the things to my son that my dad taught... Claire.

Mitchell: What's so great about destroying stuff?
Luke: It stuff into chunks of flying stuff!

Cam: You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you?
Mitchell: No I told you it was fine, I just didn't like you wearing a matching one.