Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The-simpsons

Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. (Calling) Hugh Jass! Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone. (Hands over the receiver)
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: (Surprised) Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. (hangs up) What a nice young man.

Homer: Could I get a beer?
Moe: Oh yeah, sure.... oh sorry, I forgot we're out of beer.
Homer: Aaaaaah!
Moe: Oh I know, I got behind on my beer payment, the distributor cut me off, and I spent my last ten grand on the love tester. (Homer sucks the taps). It's too late Homer, Barney sucked it dry.

Collette: Barkeep, I couldn't help noticing your sign.
Moe: What, the one that says 'Bartenders do it till you barf'?

Well It's hard to say, He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry! I've only got five minutes till the music store closes!
Moe: Well, why don't you go there first?
Homer: Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?!

(answers phone) Moe's Tavern... Hold on, I'll check. (aloud) Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and... I like to kiss my own butt.

Krusty: (Singing) Oh Mein Papa, to me he was so wonderful, Oh Mein Papa, to me he was so good, no one could be, so gentle and so loveable, Oh Mein Papa he always understood!
Moe: I've got something in my eye.
Barney: Here, take my hanky.
Moe: Euueeh!

Moe: Aw, isn't that nice. Now there is a politician who cares.
Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him!

(Bart prank calls Moe's Tavern.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. (Calls out) Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
(Everyone snickers)
Moe: (to Bart) Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

(Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.)
Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer (Lowers his voice) Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
(The entire bar laughs at Moe.)
Homer: Don't look at me! (Laughs)
Moe: Oh no... you rotten little punk, if I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
(Principal Skinner takes the phone from Bart.)
Principal Skinner: You'll do what, young man?
Moe: What--what? Wait. Who--who is this?
Principal Skinner: I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?!
Moe: Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's--it's a bad connection, I think. (Hands phone to Homer.) Gah, it's for you. I think Bart is in trouble again.
Homer: D'oh!

(At Moe's, Patty interrupts Selma and Barney's date.)
Selma: Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?
Patty: Yes.
Selma: Oh. Thanks.
Patty: Now, let's go get some pancakes.
Selma: Uh, listen, Barney, uh... Aah.
(Patty and Selma get up and leave.)
Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney: (Sees a full pitcher of beer.) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts! Wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 126 in total

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

x Close Ad