Moe: Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray!

Moe: Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high! (bar laughs)
Moe: (To Bart) You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

Ivana Tinkel, Ivana Tinkel! Okay, everyone put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkel!

Homer: Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?
Moe: Mmmm, no.
Homer: How about you, Barney?
Barney: Not for a second! (*belch*)

(Homer is watching The Three Stooges)
Lady: You must be the three chyropractors I sent for, now start manipulating my spine.
Curly: Hey Moe, we don't know anything about manipulatin'
Moe: You heard the lady, grab her spine and get crackin.
Homer: Hehehe.. Moe is their leader.

Homer: Oh no, I went to this bar the other night and the.
Moe: Hey, wawait a minute. You went to another bar?
Homer: Moe, I was 100 miles out of town!
Moe: Oh Homer...

Moe: I'm sorry Homer, you can't take any more of my money, I'm out of the bookie business.
Barney: But Moe, you've been taking bets all
Moe: Hey Barney, how bout a free beer!
Barney: Wow!
Homer: Don't worry, Moe, I'm not betting.
Moe: What!? Gimmie that.
Barney: Ooow!

Lisa: Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my 5 star silver bullet special. And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys, plus 5 in Chicago.
Homer: Good, Good. You Call Moe.
Lisa: (Dials phone) Hello, Moe? It's L.S. calling for H.S--
Moe: Just give me the numbers Lisa.

Bart: I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem, first name Bea.
Moe: Uh, yeah just a minute, I'll check. (Calling) Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem?!
Barney: You sure do!
(The customers laugh)
Moe: It's you, isn't it!
(Bart laughs)
Moe: Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

(about Bart) He's a pip this one is.

Business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Barney: Hey, what's this?
Moe: A sneeze guard.
Barney: (sneezes) Wow, it really works!

The Simpsons Quotes

Horst: (Sinister) Okay, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware. We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.
Mr. Burns: (Sarcastic) Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! (Hiding behind Smithers) Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
Horst: Stop it!
Man: Stop, sir.
Mr. Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
Man: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game, please.
Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
Mr. Burns: (Pause) No! They're so big and strong!
Man: Stop it.
Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
Man: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Mr. Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--
Horst: Burns, Stop it!

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!