Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFavorite Peter Griffin Quotes
Salesman: WOAH! Have you lost weight?
Peter: No, its still there, I'm just partin' it on the side
Guard: Excuse me sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter: That's not a van! That's my son
Peter: By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint: it wasn't on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.
Chris: Hey dad, I heard if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "Melanoma."
Peter: Oh, Chris, that's just fancy-talk for Sexified
Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight, I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it
Cleveland: Wow, thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. (to Peter) Tell 'em, Peter.
Peter: (to Cleveland) Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
Spider-Man: Bingo! (shoots web string and swings off)
Peter: (on TV) You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th Century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse.
(the boss then hands Peter a note)
Peter: Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you something: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! F**k you! Diane?
Girl: Hi! Would you be offended if I told you that your prose suggests a male, working class version of Emily Berate?
Peter: No. Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?
Girl: Yes
Peter: Well then we....are on two....different....wavelengths.
Paul Reiser: So what's the deal with airline food? Is this stuff bad or what?
Peter: Aw, that's not nice; those chefs work really hard.
Reiser: And what's with those Starbucks, huh? They're everywhere.
Peter: Uhh...a lotta people want coffee; that's supply and demand, it's the foundation of our entire economy Paul...
Reiser: And who do I talk to about those long lines at the atm? That's what I wanna know.
Peter Not me, Mr. Reiser. Someone who has time to fritter away, but not me.
Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work today. I was in a horrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable... See you tomorrow!
Peter [at communion]: Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
Peter: But Dad, you told me to look into my heart to find my religion.
Francis: Yes, real religion! What I saw today wasn't religion, it was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales.
Brian: Actually, that is religion.
