Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFavorite Peter Griffin Quotes
Brian: I'm going to prove to you that there is no such thing as someone that is psychic and that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzz words, anyone can appear to be psychic, even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this.
Peter: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic and I'm getting a strong feeling from you. Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works?
Woman: Wow. I used to have a watch that broke!
Brian: You see just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people, a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you.
Peter: I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative.
Woman: My husband died of cancer last year.
Peter: Oh my god, awesome. I'm sensing some other bad stuff.
Woman: My daughter was just in an accident.
Peter: Sweet! High five!
Woman: You're awful.
Peter: You don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.
Peter: Does he have maybe a thinner, hotter daughter?
Joe: Well, yes, but she's only 12.
Peter: Like a young 12 or a "she eats a lot of milk product so she got her boos early" 12? Which is a real thing by the way.
"Drunken Irish Dad":
Peter: Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring.
And he never taught me anything.
But still, I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad.
Oh, his face looks like a railroad map
And he never shuts his freakin' trap.
Mickey: But all the ladies catch the Clap from your drunken Irish dad!
Peter: Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morris, and Chaunacy, Riven, and Rudy, they'll tell you the same.
McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter, and Clooney all feel the same mixture of pride and of shame.
Mickey: Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly, and Flanagan look to the ground when their dad passes by.
Hafferty, Rafferty, Joyce, and O'Lafferty fight for his honor and then start to cry!
Both: Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm
And our moods infect us like a germ,
Because we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm!
Mickey: And we don't tan well either.
Both: From our drunken Irish dad!
Peter: You know they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard... there is only another fist.
Brian: That's ridiculous. (Chuck Norris taps him on the back.) Chuck Norris? (A fist comes out of Chuck Norris' beard and punches Brian in the face.)
Peter: Sometimes we all need a second chance. Sometimes we all need to forgive!
Chris: I stole ten dollars from Meg's room.
Meg: I stole ten dollars from mom's purse.
Lois: I've been making counterfeit ten dollar bills for years
Salesman: WOAH! Have you lost weight?
Peter: No, its still there, I'm just partin' it on the side
Guard: Excuse me sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter: That's not a van! That's my son
Chris: Hey dad, I heard if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "Melanoma."
Peter: Oh, Chris, that's just fancy-talk for Sexified
Peter: (on TV) You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th Century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse.
(the boss then hands Peter a note)
Peter: Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you something: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! F**k you! Diane?
Girl: Hi! Would you be offended if I told you that your prose suggests a male, working class version of Emily Berate?
Peter: No. Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?
Girl: Yes
Peter: Well then we....are on two....different....wavelengths.
Paul Reiser: So what's the deal with airline food? Is this stuff bad or what?
Peter: Aw, that's not nice; those chefs work really hard.
Reiser: And what's with those Starbucks, huh? They're everywhere.
Peter: Uhh...a lotta people want coffee; that's supply and demand, it's the foundation of our entire economy Paul...
Reiser: And who do I talk to about those long lines at the atm? That's what I wanna know.
Peter Not me, Mr. Reiser. Someone who has time to fritter away, but not me.
Peter: Hey, everybody, Meg just had her first period!
Joe: Peter, shut up! It's 3 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out here?
Quagmire: Dammit! People are trying to sleep!
Peter: I'm just saying she's a woman! Yay!
Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I'm exhausted!
