Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXPopular Peter Griffin Quotes
Peter: Wait a minute! Meg, when did you become a teenager?
Lois: She's 16, Peter.
Peter: You knew about this?
And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are, and since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure
I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in
Wait a second. That's it! They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I gotta do is write "deceased" right here where it says name and where it says sex, I'll write "no thanks, I'm dead". It's bulletproof
Peter: I'm fine! What are ya, coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Doctor: Can it be both?
Diane: And now to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa, who filed this report... all by herself!
Trisha: Thanks Diane. I'm standing here at the bar where townsperson Peter Griffin withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, you're telling me if I shot you with this channel 5 pistol you will be completely unharmed?
Peter: Why don't you give it a shot? Ah ah ah! Oh god! Oh god! Ah... haha just kidding
Peter: Look. Here they are. My family. Guys, I don't say this often enough, but I'm gonna die!
Lois: Oh my god.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?
Lois: Peter, who cares how much it is? You've just got the most important bill of all. A clean bill of health.
Peter: Jeez, Lois. How long have you been waiting to crack out that gem?
Peter: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed me by your HMO.
Peter: Just because my doctor was hittin' on me, doesn't mean you have to call him names
Death: You gotta kill the kids from Dawson's Creek
Peter: I knew it! As soon as that show came on the air I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill 'em."
Lois: It's true, he really said that
Peter: Woah, woah, woah! Is this the price of my bill or my phone number?
Nurse: Your phone number
How the hell am I going to break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's going to blame me!
