Lois: (Walks into bedroom and hears Peter laugh.) Peter? I know you're in here.
Peter: Yes I am Lois... (High pitched) But where?
Lois: Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. Peter: You have to find me first Lois. (High pitched) Where could I be? Lois: Well there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I gotta figure you're in there. Peter: How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York Style magazine kiosk. Lois: Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Peter: Yes, you might say it was... shockingly expensive. Lois: I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (Peter comes from behind and shocks her.)
Peter: (Laughs) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk? Decoys, Lois, decoys! (Laughs and runs)

Chris (Luke): (after shooting a TIE fighter) I got him! I got him!
Peter (Han): Great kid, don't get penisy.

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Or you can pull the hose out of the bucket and let the hose run free.

"Hey Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? Is it "son died" tomato?"

I really hope there's a hungry horse back there.

"Keith Urban...Brett Favre....William H. Macy?"

Lois: Peter, there's a hooker on the bed!
Peter: Stay perfectly still, Lois, their sight is based on movement.
Hooker: Where'd ya go?

Sorry, Amanda. By the law of 80's movies, a newly-trasnformed tomboy supersedes your long-standing hotness.

We act like we didn't take a lot from The Simpsons, but we took a lot from The Simpsons.

(Lois walks out of Quagmire's house to pick up a letter from the mailbox)
Peter: Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night and you sleep with Quagmire?!
Lois: Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
Peter: Husband?
Quagmire: Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Baby, Let's go play "Schoolgirl & Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl".
(Lois giggles)

Employer: So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter [thinking]: Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife."
Peter: Doing your...[sees the employer's family picture] son?

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.