Peter: I had an affair and I think we should talk about it.
Lois: Peter, jamming yourself into a grapefruit is not an affair.

"Keith Urban...Brett Favre....William H. Macy?"

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Heh, heh, I stole Meg's cutaway.

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

If he's such a bad guy, why's he on a magazine?

Hey guys, let's try to recreate this feeling for the rest of our lives with drugs!

Brian: I'm going to prove to you that there is no such thing as someone that is psychic and that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzz words, anyone can appear to be psychic, even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this.
Peter: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic and I'm getting a strong feeling from you. Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works?
Woman: Wow. I used to have a watch that broke!
Brian: You see just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people, a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you.
Peter: I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative.
Woman: My husband died of cancer last year.
Peter: Oh my god, awesome. I'm sensing some other bad stuff.
Woman: My daughter was just in an accident.
Peter: Sweet! High five!
Woman: You're awful.
Peter: You don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.

Peter: You've got this all wrong. Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donell.
(cut to scene of a drunk God creating a person)
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man.
God: And why not? I'm God.
Angel: Well what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.

(singing) When you say USA I just say hooray, and if you're not from here God's gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS. USA!

(On the phone with Cleveland) So wait, Duprey moves in with Kate Hudson and Matt Dillon? But there newlyweds right? Well thats no time to have a house guest!

Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie