Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Just last week I let you watch me complain after I ate too many hot wings.

Heh, heh, I stole Meg's cutaway.

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry that I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?

When she worries she says things like "I told you so" and "stop doing that, I'm asleep."

"I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups..."

Quagmire: What was Simon without Garfunkel?
Peter: Wildly successful?

Peter: Peter: My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.

Guard: Excuse me sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter: That's not a van! That's my son

Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car. I'm beginning to think everything on that show was just a big joke!

You know I'm carrying three handguns and the metal detectors picked up nothing?

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois