Family Guy

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You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Google Search!

[says grace before the meal] Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercu... [laughs] Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.

Peter: You got Legos? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
Lois: They're the same thing, Peter.
Peter: You know what, Lois? They are not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!

Lois: (Walks into bedroom and hears Peter laugh.) Peter? I know you're in here.
Peter: Yes I am Lois... (High pitched) But where?
Lois: Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. Peter: You have to find me first Lois. (High pitched) Where could I be? Lois: Well there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I gotta figure you're in there. Peter: How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York Style magazine kiosk. Lois: Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Peter: Yes, you might say it was... shockingly expensive. Lois: I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (Peter comes from behind and shocks her.)
Peter: (Laughs) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk? Decoys, Lois, decoys! (Laughs and runs)

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Heh, heh, I stole Meg's cutaway.

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

Chris: So did you get a lot of trim on the road?
Peter: Chris, that's wildly inappropriate

Well last night me and Brian got drunk and ate the turkey, but before you get mad we also ate the salad.

Peter: (Drunk) Wow Strange Lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois: Peter it's me.
Peter: You know what screw it. I'm so gunna cheat on Lois right now and I don't care if she finds out.
Lois: Peter I...
Peter: Hey do you have a condom? Eh never mind, I have this Milky way wrapper.

Congressman: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq.
Peter: Well that may be, but what we're all forgetting is anyone that doesn't want to go to war is gay.
Congressman: I want to go to war.
Congressman 2: I want to go to war.
All of Congress: I want to go to war.
Dick Cheney: I was the first one who wanted to go to war

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 839 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Four years later me and Lois divorced and Stewie died. Gobble gobble.

Peter
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