Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!

I don't know who you are, I don't know what you want. But what I do have is a particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you.

That was the start of the dark times. The banks took our bars, our businesses, and then our homes. A change had to be made. A change only one man could make. I am The Windmaker. And I shoot monkeys now.

Lois: How was your physical, Peter?
Peter: Good. Good. Good, yeah. Too good, as a matter of fact. Ya know what the doctor said? The doctor said I was too healthy. Too good of shape. Don't even know how, too good of shape.
Lois: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter: Er, I did not.

[disappointedly] You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes ya feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah. You're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changin'. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Lois: (Walks into bedroom and hears Peter laugh.) Peter? I know you're in here.
Peter: Yes I am Lois... (High pitched) But where?
Lois: Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. Peter: You have to find me first Lois. (High pitched) Where could I be? Lois: Well there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I gotta figure you're in there. Peter: How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York Style magazine kiosk. Lois: Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Peter: Yes, you might say it was... shockingly expensive. Lois: I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (Peter comes from behind and shocks her.)
Peter: (Laughs) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk? Decoys, Lois, decoys! (Laughs and runs)

Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun at the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.

Peter: You've got this all wrong. Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donell.
(cut to scene of a drunk God creating a person)
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man.
God: And why not? I'm God.
Angel: Well what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Just last week I let you watch me complain after I ate too many hot wings.

Welcome to the Peter Griffin side boob hour. A wonderful look back on all the partial nudity network television used to offer. Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob. How 'bout that side boob? That turn you on? Well it shouldn't because that's my side boob. Goodnight everybody!

Cleveland: Peter, not all Jewish people are good with money.
Peter: Well, I guess not the retarded ones, but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgey", and then there's "offensive."

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!