Lois: Peter, can't you just use Sock Lois tonight?
Peter: No, Sock Lois doesn't feel authentic to me any more!

Peter: That jerk Opie got employee of the month again, all because my boss hates me.
Joe: Maybe you need to brown nose her a little bit Peter.
Quagmire: Really? I thought you said she was ugly...Oh-oh-oh you-you-you mean kiss up to her.

Lois: That's a great idea, maybe you can join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: what?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.
Stewie: Are we really doing this?

Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun at the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.

[disappointedly] You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes ya feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah. You're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changin'. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

My name's Evan by the way.

Evan

Chris: A guy's name was Robbie back then?
Peter: The Bible's fuzzy on that.

I just bought a giant room full of gold coins that I'm going to dive into like Scrooge McDuck.

Peter: The only thing I ever won was an extra day of summer. (cutaway scene starts)
Lois: Okay, Peter, one more day.
Peter: Yay! (runs outside in swim trunks, then back inside) I saw what I look like in a car window, and now I don't wanna go.

Oh my god. It was in the tub, and now it's in my butt!

In your imagination, I've got long eyelashes.

Hey, I'm not just a poorly-cleaned butt. There's a whole man around man around that you have to please.

Family Guy Quotes

Hey, its Thanksgiving. Shouldn't you be in Detroit losing a football game right about now.

Brian

Brian: What's on his arms?
Stewie: Those are waterwings. He was terrified of the water.